North Star
by wonkeygirl
Summary: 5 years after BD. The Cullens live in NH. Life seems idyllic. But Edward is keeping a secret, and he's not the only one. When Renesmee falls unexpectadly ill the family members are thrown into a race against time to save her and the truth is uncovered.
1. An End Needs A Beginning

Merrimack, NH, 2015

I watched the gliding beauty of my daughter, wrapped in her new husband's arms. She was an angel adorned by gossamer and silk and the light of the hundreds of candles that Alice, Rosalie and Esme had lit for this moment. The soft glow complimented her blissful smile as she gazed up at the man she'd chosen to spend eternity with.

She was the perfect combination of me and Bella and for a moment I allowed my memory to take me back to our own wedding. The elation I'd felt that evening was so very similar to the joy I felt now, watching my girl joined with her soul mate.

I remembered Bella's sweet blood flushing her cheeks, the way her gown had rustled against the wood of the temporary dance floor that had been assembled beneath the expansive awning on the lawn back in Forks. I remembered her tiny, breakable frame pressed against mine as I'd guided her in our first dance as husband and wife; the way my hand had fit around her delicate waist; the gentle bounce of her mahogany curls that flowed down her neck, curls that my two sisters had adoringly crafted only hours before our moment on the floor; her strawberry and freesia scent wafting heavily from her overexcited skin; the overwhelming sparkle in her chocolate eyes that told me she loved me. I allowed myself a deep breath and my memory rewarded me with a perfect replica of the scent of her blushing flesh.

I slowly scanned the edges of the floor, looking for my family members: Rosalie and Emmett, their love existed in realms beyond understanding. I observed my brother wrapping his arms around Rosalie's waist. I saw the shining light in her centennial eyes as she observed the niece she'd so fiercely protected, not knowing what exactly what it was she'd been protecting, but she'd known it was life and she'd known it was right. My brother grinned at my daughter and son-in-law as he nestled his head into Rosalie's shoulder.

Carlisle and Esme, the constants in our family. Their quiet, determined love had pulled us all through. The example they had shown was beyond anything fathomable. It was simple and pure. It transcended the muddy grays that rule the majority of life here, on earth. My father and my mother gracefully stepped onto the floor and began to move in the unison that had defined them in all the years I had known them; uncomplicated, sure, enduring.

Alice and Jasper, the two wild cards to be thrown into the game of vampiric history. Independently they'd developed consciences, shunning the violence and carnage that had been dealt to them. Instead, they'd found each other and subsequently found their way to us, to the support they'd needed to uphold their decision. I watched their quiet passion, allowing myself, for once, to listen to the litany of pledges, promises that surged between the two of them as their hands met and they surveyed the spectacle of a new love being affirmed in the first dance of a husband and wife.

I remained in the shadows, overwhelmed by the years and the love that knitted them together in a fleeting yet memorable tapestry that told the story of my family.

Alice met my gaze and she quietly disengaged herself from her husband's embrace and joined me. Her hand gently found mine and she firmly wrapped her fingers over my knuckles. "It's time."

I nodded in silent affirmation, taking one last look at the embodiment of love, the fabric of my family, before we both turned and melted into the shadows.

* * *

The meadow at White Pines wasn't unlike the one I'd first taken Bella to all those years ago – a lifetime ago, it seemed, even though only it had been a mere decade; a fragment in the mosaic of time, for our kind at least.

I waited at its edge, just inside the tree line, hardly daring to move as Alice moved cautiously into the center, flowers and grasses mulching underneath her feet.

She stopped when she reached the exact mid-point in the roughly circular clearing, and sank to her knees.

And interminable amount of time seemed to pass with nothing happening, save for the occasional rustling of a fox on his nightly hunt.

Alice remained perfectly still, her mind a blank. Minutes passed, I think, it could have been hours, I wasn't sure. The only thing I was focused on was any sign of her appearing. Anything would do. I tried to keep my breathing slow and steady – searching every molecule for the first signs that maybe this could happen, maybe I'd catch the scent freesias on a turn in the breeze. Or perhaps I'd hear the smallest of sighs, like an awakening.

But there was nothing.

I couldn't wait any longer and I took a step into the meadow. Alice's hand shot out behind her, in my direction, the palm held up in protest at my impatience.

I froze.

I'd waited nearly 2 years for this moment. Idiot. Rosalie was right about me, I'd probably never completely learn. I did not need to cast this final chance I had into the mouth of oblivion.

More time passed. Alice hadn't moved a muscle, her arm still unnaturally extend behind her, palm held up in warning, her mind an utter void, still, very unnerving.

And then she convulsed. Once, twice, three times, her arms seemingly attached to invisible strings, commanded by a ruthless puppet master.

She cried out.

I rushed forward.

She shouted out to me to stop, to not move a millimeter, as her body continued to jerk and twitch, the movements gaining speed at an alarming rate.

I became acutely aware of the air around us; it was heavy with a metallic tang and a 2 mile radius of forest became deathly silent.

Alice's convulsions stopped as quickly as they had started. Her head was at an awkward angle, straining backward on her neck; face turned to the sky, her chest rising up, and up, until I could hear the minute cracking and splintering of her spine as it began to crumble under the pressure of an unseen force.

This was too dangerous. This had to stop. How could Jasper have allowed her to do this? She hadn't told me about this.

I'd almost reached her side when her entire body crashed to the ground, as if something of a great weight had slammed into her from behind. She was completely prone as I reached out my hand and placed it on her shoulder. "Alice?"

"I'm okay," she replied, her voice as strong and clear as always. She turned her head to the side, looking past me. "Bella?" Her eyes glinted in the moonlight and a small laugh of disbelief escaped her lips.

I held my breath, turning around slowly, hardly daring to look, emotions vacillating from fear to hopefulness and back to fear.

Would she look the same? Would she recognize me? Would she forgive me? Would she even be "her" after so long away, wherever she had been?

But there was nothing there. Nothing at all.

I shouldn't have allowed myself to hope. I shouldn't have believed in the impossible. And now Alice was injured too. I looked back at my sister, who was still smiling into the nothingness beyond me."Alice, stop, please, there's nothing there."

But she continued to smile, amazed, entranced. Oh God, it had affected her mind, what if it had caused her to regress? What if she would be forever trapped in some sort of half-minded state, pinned between this world and wherever it was she'd been trying to contact?

"Edward, you don't see her?"

This wasn't happening. How could I have agreed to this? I'd known it was dangerous. And impossible.

She sighed. "Oh, Bella, I've missed you too."


	2. Miss Halfway

_Merrimack, July 2012_

_Star light, Star bright,_

_First star I see tonight._

_I wish I may, I wish I might,_

_Have the wish I wish tonight._

I closed my eyes and flung my silent yearning towards the watery twilight above.

"What are you wishing for?" Pop-Pop's enquiry broke my concentration.

I sighed and turned away from the unusually clear evening. I let my eyes meet his. Despite my efforts disobedient tears swelled and clung to my lashes.

"The usual," I said, lowering my gaze.

His footsteps moved toward the far end of my room before coming to a stop at my bed. He sat and patted the space beside him. My shoulders slumped. We didn't need to have this conversation. I'd still be left with a sense of loss. It was a waste of time.

"Renesmee, darling, please come sit with me."

I raised my eyes just a little to find him lowering his, attempting to meet mine.]=In all the abnormality of my world Pop-Pop was the antidote. When I'd declared mutiny and ran away to my tree house two Summer's before he had strolled across the meadow, an armful of Hemmingway and Thoreau, lemonade and chocolate and my beloved feather pillow obscuring his face, saying, "It's too beautiful a day to be inside, and iff we're going to have a sit-in then you're going to need sustenance."

We'd read. I'd devoured the chocolate and slurped the lemonade and when night came I'd watched the stars from my mushy pillow, listening to his tales about Britain.

When I'd fought my parents' decision to home school me he had found the coolest interactive software on the subjects he knew I loved. I'd spent hours exploring cellular physiology; reversing proton pumps, fighting bacteria and swirling around the Krebs Cycle.

When I'd thrown a hissy fit over Jacob, our imprinting and the alleged inevitable future, Pop-Pop had, surprisingly, agreed with me. He'd endured the rest of the day listening to my rant on the subject of "normal".

I crossed the room and flopped onto the bed. "I don't see the point in talking about it."

"Anything you have to say is of great interest to me," he said, touching his index finger to my nose.

I opened my mouth to speak but the words stuck in my throat. What could I say that would make any difference to my life? How many new ways could I express my loneliness and isolation? I understood the secret we had to keep, unusual growth rate and the attention it may attract meant that contact with the outside world was not an option, but I still craved some sense of normality.

Normality: I shuddered at the word. This gangly overactive weed of a body could never be normal. Like an unruly toddler, it continued to act out, refusing to yield to my attempts to tame it. I'd gone a week without an Elk and had refused to cave to its demands for chocolate but still I'd grown a half inch and my double-dyed denim hipsters threatened to cut the circulation from my legs as they strained over my hips. My newly favored sweaters had developed the ability to shrink without the help of the tumble dryer. Having claimed its identity for itself, my body had joined the circus without my permission and dragged me along for the fun of it. To add to the laughs it seemed to be attracting the attention of the male members of Jacob's pack, Jacob himself included. Sure, they were very discreet about it but I saw how Quil glanced sideward at me whenever I was in the room. I also saw Jacob take note of the glances and his protectiveness was becoming unbearable; he should mark his wolfy scent around me and be done with it.

To my disgust my body had developed a new and unexpected symptom last week. Alarmed, I'd holed myself up in my room for the afternoon with my link to the outside world. The answers I'd found to the latest mystery did little to temper my indignant bewilderment, and now my mood teetered between hysteria and an all out foot-stomping round of its-not-fair. I was starving, my stomach ached and if it didn't get some chocolate soon…well I really wasn't certain what would happen, but I was sure it wouldn't be good. Right on cue my petulant mood breached the rims of my eyes and fell over onto my cheeks. I bit down on my lip and quickly found interest in the oak floor.

His hand found mine and he squeezed my fingers. I watched their tips turn white and realized that my hands were colder than his. He noticed too and lifted my hands to inspect them. His forehead crinkled as he pressed his index finger into my thumb and watched the slow return of blood to its tip.

"Darling, how long have you been this cold?"

I shrugged "I don't know, a few days."

He reached up and placed his fingers on my neck. His expression turned to that of concern as he counted, his eyes locked on mine.

He took out the thermometer and small flashlight that he kept in his jacket pocket. I rolled my eyes at him as he lifted the light to them.

"Sweetheart," he murmured, "Just humor me."

He waved the light over my right eye and then my left, slowly repeating the action several times before holding the thermometer up to my mouth.

I grimaced. "Honestly I'm fine; I'm just a little tired and hungry." I wondered if my symptoms could have anything to do with the reason I'd been absent from our pool for the past week and the diet I'd forced upon my rebellious body. My stomach growled loudly at the thought of food, causing Pop-Pop to raise an eyebrow.

"When was the last time you ate?"

"Not that long ago." It wasn't exactly a lie. A week wasn't what you could call an extended period of time, if considered in the context of immortality. I held his gaze and tried to smile convincingly.

"Renesmee, please do not lie to me."

"I…well…"

He raised the other eyebrow and pursed his lips.

Okay, I couldn't push my luck on this one. That was his 'Don't-mess-with-me-young-lady' look. Still, this was not just something a girl blurted out to anyone, let alone her grandfather, even if he was only in his Twenties. Oh wonderful, here came the crimson tides as they rushed their warmth over my cheeks. I had mom to thank for that. Just one more betrayal from my body.

I heard him sigh and again he gently pressed his hand into mine.

"Renesmee," he said as he lifted my chin with his hand. He looked at me meaningfully and I bristled inside. I couldn't keep anything to myself. "I know sweetheart. This must be very hard for you, but it's normal, what you're going through." His expression was full of the knowing that comes with experience. I blushed harder. This was just great. My parents pussyfooted around me, treating me with tender gloves, because I was _special_. My period arriving indicated the exact opposite. I was normal, with some enhanced capabilities, and I couldn't lead a normal life. Me and irony were going to have an altercation in the near future, the latest of many.

"Renesmee." His grasp on my hand tightened. "Darling, please, look at me."

I raised my eyes and simply shrugged. Shrugging, that is what I had resorted to these days. What else could I do? I had no control. Those around me decided what was best and my body decided the rest. He must have seen the resignation in my face because he encircled me with both his arms just as a fresh barrage of tears plummeted southward.

"Shhh," he hushed.

His soothing did nothing but encourage more tears and before I knew it I was wailing as he rocked me against his comforting form. He waited until my sobbing subsided before he spoke again.

"My sweet little girl." He kissed the top of my head. "I'm so sorry none of this has been explained to you."

I snorted.

"Internet?" he asked.

"Yep."

"Starving yourself isn't the answer."

"Well what is then? What is the answer? And how do you know what the question is? I mean, you're the one who takes the most notice of me, the one who listens to me the most, but how can you even begin to understand? You're not caught in between two species! You get to lead a normal life. The worst you encounter is a bit of sunshine and you just use extra clothing and an umbrella feigning a light sensitivity when ultra violet becomes an inconvenience. You can hide who you are. I can't! And I don't even get the super-coolness of being part vampire. I'm still vulnerable and boy does that send mom and dad into over-protective-mode!" I sprang up away from him, my hands bawled into fists.

He eyed me for a moment before he responded. "I want to understand. Please." He held his and out to me, gesturing for me to sit down beside him again.

The springs of my antique bed creaked as I took a seat, a little further away from him this time. I crossed my arms over my chest as I looked sideward at him. We sat, each eyeing the other for several minutes. I remained tight lipped.

He smiled gently and placed a hand on my cheek. "I cannot fully understand how you feel. I do know that I would not enjoy the isolation you endure for the sake of your family. This is not what I want for you. Your Mother and Father don't want it either. They hide it from you, but they both wish they could make life as it should be for you – especially your Father."

I took the moment and used it to plead my case. "I'm physically around 16 now aren't I?"

The expression he wore remained soft and relaxed, unlike the previous times I had broached this subject in front of him. I took his calm reaction and ran with it. This was the best shot I'd had at this taboo subject in a long time.

"Don't you think I could start going out, maybe even enroll in high school? Kids my age often have unusual growth spurts and I should stop growing soon if what we already know about my kind is correct." I didn't pause to give him a chance to answer. "And anyway, how obvious will my growth be now, it's not like I'd go from being a newborn to the appearance of a two-year-old in a matter of weeks. At my stage of... physical development," I blushed as I pointed out the maturing of my figure, but I was too close now to think about letting a little embarrassment get in the way of the very thing I had wished for every night for the past year. "It wouldn't be as noticeable. And if someone were to notice it could just be explained away as a hormonal imbalance that was being treated, not that I really think anyone would notice…." I looked pleadingly at his face. His eyes were still gentle, almost thoughtful. My heart gave a little leap in my chest and I held my breath. I could see he was actually considering my request. I knew this look so well. I'd managed to persuade him to see my way of thinking so many times before. Just a couple of well chosen words and I felt I'd have him convinced. "Pop-Pop, you have just said that you don't want this life for me. Don't you think I could at least get to live out a couple of years being like every other teenager? Please, talk to Mom and Dad? Please?"

"Why not wait until you've stopped growing?" He held his hand up as I opened my mouth to protest. "There's so much we still don't know. There is no one else that we know of that we can study since Nahuel declined our offer. We can't be sure, with no true control group." He stopped abruptly and frowned as I rolled my eyes at his scientific references. "Renesmee, you are not helping your case by showing a lack of maturity. If you cannot listen respectfully we can end this conversation."

"Sorry," I mumbled.

He continued. "I've been running through your growth rates and they have slowed and continue in small bursts over time. That is a departure from their patterns over the past four-and-a-half years. Without sufficient data I can't say whether this means you are slowing down or not. Your previous growth rate may return for a while. I simply don't know."

"So, that's a no then." I couldn't even rely on him.

"For now. Don't feel I haven't heard you though. I have. I want you to live darling, so much. How about I continue your measurements for another 3 months and if nothing changes or, better still, your growth rate slows, I will talk to your parents about enrolling for senior year this September?" He smiled and gave me a conspiratorial wink.

I smiled back in realization, since September was the next available time for school enrollment anyway. "You'd already been giving this a lot of thought hadn't you? You had every intention to talking to them when they returned from vacation."

"Yes." His face took on a more serious appearance. "However, I want you to realize that charming and manipulating people is not an acceptable form of negotiation."

I blushed and again found myself studying the floor. "Sorry, again."

He patted my shoulder before standing. "I'm going to send your Grandmother up. She has what you need for your next cycle."

I shuddered at the thought of him knowing about my bodily functions.

He left the room and I returned to my stargazing. The evening air was fresh and my vampire senses picked out the sweet smell of the late afternoon's rainfall on the already sodden earth. I loved it here on the huge nature reservation. Pop-pop and Gramma had built this house just 5 years earlier after our move from Forks to Merrimack on the South Eastern boarder of New Hampshire. On a Summer's night the lulling thrum of the crickets filled the air and if it was clear, as it was tonight, I imagined you could see every star in the universe, the light pollution was non-existent this far into the forest. Thanks to my dad's thorough schooling I could name just about every constellation that blazed up above me and I unconsciously began marking off the list in my head. The door softly opened behind me.

"Renesmee, sweetheart, Pop-Pop said you needed me."

Gramma stood at the door, her gentle face full of concern. She held a small blue box in her right hand and a larger one in her left. Again, I blushed.

"Yeah," I tried to sound nonchalant. "Apparently I'm more human than I'd hoped." I attempted a smile.

She placed the offensive items on my pale green comforter and joined me at the window.

"Stargazing again?" My humanity and my lack of enthusiasm for that part of me was a topic that was carefully avoided.

I sighed. "I know what you're trying to do."

She glanced sideward at me before continuing her pretense of marveling the universe above. "I've never been able to remember all the constellations. You grandfather tried, but I suspect I am drawn to more earthly pursuits." She glanced around my gracefully appointed bedroom for emphasis. "According to your Father, you are quite the expert astronomer."

"Yeah, well, when you have stuff drummed into your head repeatedly you tend to remember it." Home-schooling; my favorite topic of conversation. My lighter mood was dissipating quickly.

"Darling, you know why you have to be home tutored. We have to be so careful until you've stopped growing. But I understand we're going to be talking to your parents tomorrow?" Her tender smile inched into my periphery as she turned her head toward me.

"I just want to belong."

"You belong wherever you choose to be." She placed her hand on my shoulder.

I glowered out at the encroaching darkness. "Don't give me that crap," I muttered.

"Renesmee!" Her hushed tone reminded me who I was talking to.

"I'm sorry. I know you're just trying to help." I leaned my head on her shoulder.

She put her arm around me and gently patted my shoulder. We stood like that for a while. I gazed again up at the stars. I loved the night. I could go out and be free in the darkness. Emmet would usually come with me. I wasn't allowed out on my own. I suddenly longed to be running wild, the wind rushing past me, the blackness swallowing me whole.

"I'm going to find Emmett." I kissed her on the cheek.

"Darling, do you feel Renesmee is well enough to go hunting with Emmet?" She spoke towards the open door.

"I think a hunt would be the best thing for her. I've already talked to Emmet," Pop-Pop replied from his study.

"Alright, but don't be out too late. Your Mother and Father will be back in the morning," she warned.

"You're not going to tell them about my not eating are you?" But how could they not? It's so much fun having a mind reader for a parent.

"We will do our best to keep it from them. But your Grandfather will be monitoring you on a daily basis. If you show no improvement and Emmet doesn't see you eating this evening and on subsequent hunts with him we will tell them. We won't tolerate you harming yourself."

I rolled my eyes "Yes, okay, I'll be back by 10."

I crossed the room in an instant, reaching out for the doorknob. I missed. I reached out again and again I grasped at the air. A strange roaring had begun in my ears and I suddenly felt detached, from everything. I looked around at Gramma and I wondered why there was two of her. My stomach twisted and a wave of nausea punched through me, forcing the air out of my chest. I reached beside me towards the door looking for something solid to hold on to whilst my legs threatened to liquefy. I missed and I winced as my knees struck the hardwood beneath me. My palms stung as they slapped down with a surprising amount of force as another wring of sickness and then pain exploded through my abdomen.

Gramma was already at my side as my lungs struggled to suck in the air that had suddenly thickened like crude oil. I could feel it slopping around in my chest, bubbling and viscous without the lightness an intake of breath usually brought. My stomach convulsed, thrust upwards and expelled the sloshing sensation bringing bright red liquid in a gush onto the floor. It tasted of salt and rust and pooled over my flattened hands, spreading and filling the spaces between my fingers.

Then, nothing.


	3. Universe and You

**AN **_To those of you who have so kindly added me to your author and story alert list I am flattered and humbled and I owe you an apology. You are not going mad, this is indeed the 3rd time I have updated this chapter. It is now finally complete and I will not post and then update in future chapters. Forgive me my indiscretions and please keep reading._

_Sadly I own no part of Twilight...it all belongs to SM to whom I will be eternally grateful to for creating a world I can escape to when life is too much._

_To Gina, my first reviewer. Your review encouraged me to plod on and finish this chapter and begin another_

_Reviews are my friend, both positive and constructively negative. I want to grow, so please help me by donating a moment of your time to write a comment._

_Playlist for this chapter_

_James Blunt "High"_

_KT Tunstall "Universe and You" accoustic version_

**

* * *

**

**Edward**

The setting sun painted the ocean neon pink as I strolled along our island's jetty. Bella sat on the bleached wood, her soft curls a halo spilling over her shoulders down to her waist. She'd watched the day's fiery culmination every evening since we had arrived 2 weeks ago. Trailing her feet in the water, her face cradled in her hand, the folds of her sundress rippling in the breeze, she could have been a sea nymph – bewitching.

I sat down beside her and slipped my arm around her shoulders pulling her to my chest. I breathed deeply. Her skin, warmed by the dying rays, diffused a heady scent into the surrounding air. 5 years and my addiction hadn't waned; I didn't expect it ever would.

"What are you thinking about?" she murmured.

And her voice. Still the sound of it had the power to evoke a feeling of utter peace in me. She would speak and I would be home.

I wound my other arm around her and nuzzled her hair. A school of dolphins surfaced before the sun, which was now melting into the ocean, and began to playfully leap out of the water. I watched her eyes grow wide as she marveled them.

'Beautiful,' I whispered.

"Isn't it? I wish we could just stay here."

"Well, yes it is and yes I wish we could stay too, but I wasn't referring to the setting, love."

She twisted to face me and placed her hand against my cheek. The palette of the sky rendered her eyes burning amber and scattered gold dust across her pale complexion as a ghost of a smile hinted its way along her mouth.

'Do I dazzle you Mr. Cullen?"

I brushed a tendril away from her cheek allowing my finger to trace a pattern over her skin before tucking it behind her ear. I leaned in and touched my lips to her forehead, winding my fingers into her hair, running them through the length of it before finding her hands and taking hold of them, pressing my palms into hers.

"Always."

She clasped her delicate fingers around mine and pulled our locked hands to her heart. We silently watched the last moments of sunset. Birds overhead made their final calls as they darted to their nests for the night. The light faded from gold and pink to silver. A luminous moon rose over the water. The first star of the evening grew brighter, blinking from its heavenly place. Soon the blanket above was decorated with gemstones. I'd seen the night sky a thousand times over. I'd studied our corner of the universe. I knew every constellation, every charted nebular and black hole. I'd soon lost my wonder at the limitless nature of it all; it had reminded me too much of my own existence. Now though, my angel beside me, I could have been contemplating it for the first time. Her beautiful soul had anchored mine and I now shone within her galaxy. Infinity had become heaven and I was happy to drift within its boundlessness.

She was gazing at the moon now, which hung low over the horizon illuminating the place where the sea and sky melded into one.

"Which one is the _Mare Tranquillitatis _where Armstrong and his team landed? "

I repositioned myself behind her and took hold of her arm, pointing it towards one of the darkened patches on the glowing surface.

"You see? The larger less defined patch below the _Mare Serenitatis._"

She nodded in recognition and again we fell silent for a few moments.

"I wonder what it's like to walk on the moon; to feel that weightless; watch the earth floating in space?"

My dreamer. Always wondering, imagining. I was elated that that quality had followed her into this life. In fact - except for the sound of her heart beating and the delicate blush of her cheeks - all the wonder that was Bella as a human had remained; perhaps humanity had less to do with being human and more to do with a state of mind. I wrapped my arms around her.

"I imagine it's not dissimilar from how I feel in your presence."

"Charmer," she laughed.

"I try."

"Seriously though, wouldn't it be wonderful to be up there? Just once?"

"Well,' I breathed against her neck. "We have forever to find out."

"Forever. I like that. Sometimes I forget."

She stood once again gazing at the moon. In the backlight the thin cotton of her dress left little to the imagination. The sea nymph vision returned. Irresistible.

She squealed as I swept her legs from beneath her with one arm, catching her body in the other. I kissed her, allowing my tongue to trace the generous outline of her mouth. Her breath had already accelerated as I finished the circuit and her hands slid up to tangle themselves in my hair. I bent my head and whispered in her ear.

"But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?  
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.  
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,  
Who is already sick and pale with grief  
That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she."

***

Making love to Bella always brought out my rapacious desire for her. Like a recovering drunk left alone in a cellar I would yield to the succor and indulge only to find I needed more. Incoherent and uninhibited I'd reach for just one more taste of her neck, her mouth; inhale just one more wave of her dizzying scent; hear just one more moan escape from her throat; feel her move underneath my hands one more time and before I would realize it I'd be drowning in her again, her sweetness warming me to my core. I would worship her body, her soul for eternity and the depth and breadth of my adoration would never be realized.

At some point the sun had conquered the night. Bella lay on the sand her perfection stretching out beneath me as I traced patterns over her stomach. The island birds once again flew overhead, calling their morning greetings to one another.

"Happy fifth honeymoon my darling wife. I love you," and I took her hand and kissed the tips of her fingers.

"I love you, Edward." My angel smiled up at me, her eyes warm and bright and soft with feeling. The woman truly did love me. Her every action was that of devotion. Renesmee and I were her life, she proved that every day.

Sweet Lord what had I ever done to deserve such an exquisite creature? How could such a pure and perfect heart love me? I'd asked myself these questions every single day since that first day we'd visited our meadow. Just as it had then the revelation that this gentle, beautiful girl wanted to be with me caused my heart to somehow stutter into life and beat the monster out of me leaving a man in its wake.

"I have something for you. I was saving it for today, something to remember our last morning here until we're able to return again."

She raised her hand to caress my face "Well, it just so happens that I have something for you too."

I chuckled at the lines we spoke. We played this game each time. It had become a tradition on our last day of our annual honeymoon here. I knew what was coming next.

"Well, in fairness to you I'll give you a head start since –"

But she had already flipped onto her toes and was off running, kicking up a shower of sand behind her leaving her laughter in my ears and the sight of her nakedness for my eyes. For that vision I'd let her win.

Knowing I still had plenty of time to catch up with her I picked up our scattered clothes, filled in the sandy crater our night-long passion had created and checked the shoreline for any other disturbance we may have left that needed to be rectified before breaking into my own sprint towards the house.

I reached the white oversized cottage in record time and pounced through the window of the master bedroom expecting Bella to arrive momentarily. Dashing to the closet I retrieved the small eggshell blue box from my suitcase and placed it on her pillow, breathing in the scent rising from the white cotton slipcover as I lay down on my side of the indulgently proportioned bed.

Looking around the room it saddened me to think it would be a year before we had a chance to relish each other again in complete and utter private. Vampire senses were still not something Bella was used to and although that didn't stop us from our amorous pursuits whilst at home my darling girl was still unbelievably chaste. The devil in me liked that.

I picked up my phone from the nightstand to check for messages and realized that the battery had died. Sitting up I reached for the charger in the drawer, plugged it into the wall and attached it. I flipped the cover open and speed-dialed voicemail. The robotic tones announced a message from Carlisle's mobile; the daily call to check in with us and report the well being of our family whilst we were away from them. Being away from Renesmee troubled me. The Volturi had been quiet and kept their distance since their last attempt to destroy us and I had Alice on alert looking for a move on their part in addition to Jacob 'borrowing' some members from Sam's pack whilst we were on vacation; despite the extra measures I insisted we were called on a daily basis.

Whilst I waited for the intolerably slow system to deliver the message Bella landed on the bed behind me shaking the box I had placed on her pillow in front of my face and placing a gentle kiss on my head. I reached up and took hold of her hand over my shoulder, twisting slightly to smile at her. She mouthed 'thank you' before leaping off the bed and into the family room.

Finally Carlisle's voice. Carlisle's very strained voice. I stiffened and gripped the bedpost to steady myself against the fear already mounting and threatening to overwhelm my faculties. Random words barely penetrated my mind which was petrifying at the tone of Carlisle's voice. Bewilderment and panic, shock and…_defeat_?! A wrecking-ball slammed at my chest provoking a swarm of wasps to force their way between my lips. _Defeat? _Memories of an overcast Forks day invaded my thoughts. Carlisle, slumped on the porch steps, his dialogue beaten down to monosyllables as he conceded and I curled myself over my wife's battered shell, willing the demise of the creature ravishing her into…

The metallic beep signaling message end jerked me back to the present and to Bella's tortured face.


	4. Sick

**AN And we're off to New Hampshire...**

Mood music Flyleaf 'I'm So Sick'

Saliva 'Holding on'

Many many many thanks to Vi0lentserenity and jmeyer for their betaing skills. This mostrously evil chapter wouldn't have happened without their help

As always I only own a car, a cat and, well, my family owns me. Stephenie Meyer owns everything Twilight, I'm just thankful she lets us play.

* * *

I was alone, suspended in a thick and directionless black that pressed in on me from all sides and seeped into my chest, filling it with a viscous substance. It tortured my insides, sliding over my lungs, my heart, gripping their walls and chafing their membranes. I had to fight to breathe against the pressure surrounding and filling my body. A pathetic dribble of air was all I could manage and the pressure rolling over me quickly forced it out in a puff between my lips. And the pain, the unbearable burning pain. What was happening to me? I tried to open my eyes but my lids were too heavy. I tried to scream, taking in another minute gulp of air, but a feeble wheeze was the only sound I could make. I tried again and with each attempted breath the pressure and pain increased. I could feel my chest collapsing from the inside out. My lungs were yelling at me to breathe, my mind chaotic from panic and my limbs began to thrash as they tried to fight against the invisible force that was slowly wringing my life from me.

Suddenly my arms became trapped at my sides and I realized that there were hands encircling my wrists, forcing them down. And then I understood that it wasn't _something_ but _someone_ that was attacking me.

_Fuck you!_

Enraged, I twisted and thrashed, trying to loosen them from the grip, but as I struggled the pressure around me grew, my arms quickly became weak and useless and a new pain, as if a sledgehammer had been swung at me, crashed onto my chest. My body convulsed and shook at the agony and flashes of light exploded behind my eyelids. My legs kicked up into the space above me repeatedly, as if they were trying to flee from the horrific assault, but they quickly became heavy and lifeless. My mind continued to race and seethe as exhaustion began to overtake my muscles. With the last ounce of strength I had I tried to force my lungs open. I prayed for the sweet relief a breath would bring, but none came. My thoughts began to swirl and stutter, the commands to fight turning to disjointed whispers. Terror and pain began to drain away and a peaceful nothingness rose up and over me.

***

I'm racing through our forest, Emmett egging me on, pushing me to run past my physical limits. The speed is exhilarating; washing euphoria up and over me, my laughter a feeble echo thrown out into the wind behind me. The greens and yellows and earthy browns meld into a wall of Monet-like impressionism. I rush past gnarly oaks and sprawling Rhododendrons until I slow, gasping for air, and collapse onto the leaf-strewn floor beneath me, flushed, high and giggling. I'm invincible, I'm powerful, I'm superhuman and I'm suddenly _exhausted_? I move to stand but I'm suddenly heavier than my muscles can lift. An unseen force is pulling on my outstretched body, welding it to the floor. Alarmed I call out to Emmett. I hear him approach and his face appears above me. He's smiling, vacantly – not the Emmett I know. He cocks his head to one side in thought – definitely not the Emmett I know. And then he says the strangest thing.

"Not this time, kiddo." And his full weight comes crashing down on me.

"_Her lung has collapsed."_

My grandfathers voice booms from the sky above me. I try to shout out to himbut Emmet's mass is flattening me, his arms gripping my shoulders whilst his knee digs into my breast-bone. Pain ricochets through my chest. I look up in bewilderment and suddenly I'm afraid; determination is the only emotion I see in the face I have trusted and shared so much with. I search for anything to tell me that's he's just being Emmett, wrestling with me, but I'm met with coldness where warmth and laughter usually lived.

I can feel my eyes grow wide and then bulge as the pressure from his weight drives the blood to my head. Something cold and hard presses into my right side. If I could move I would have wrenched myself away from the sensation but I'm am frozen under his hollow stare.

"_Hold her down. I need to re-inflate her lung"_

Pop-pop's voice again. I try to look around me, searching for my grandfather, but my vision is blurring and all I can see is green melting into brown, melting into yellow.

Emmett's face is morphing into a liquid mess of flesh and features. I recoil at the sight and try to bury myself into the soft earth. I twist my head, looking to find some way to escape. A hideous groaning sound fills the air; baleful, guttural and sickening. It vibrates through my entire being, jarring in my head and shaking my bones. I realize it's Emmett making the sound and look back up at him in a moment of concern. The concern changes to horror as the sound intensifies and tendrils of mahogany hair slither out and onto shoulders that are shifting into that of a much smaller frame than Emmett's. The molten wax features slide back together to form an evil looking caricature of my mother's face. She shoves cruelly against my shoulders as a grin seeps across her mouth. I scream and she cackles. Her teeth glisten in the sunlight as she appraises me.

"Sweetheart, you don't look well, is everything okay?" Insincerity distorts her voice and she widens her grin.

I try to fight her off and she's laughing hysterically at my distress. I know this isn't my mother. She smells wrong, she acts wrong. _What the hell is going on? Am I dreaming? I need to wake up!_

"Who are you? Where is my mother? What have you done with her?"

She leans in, giggling and whispers in my ear. "Darling, I am her."

She slowly rights herself, the demonic smile and insane giggle still horribly present. Her gruesome mouth widens before it turns in on itself, swallowing her head whole before regurgitating Jacob's cadaverous body, dripping rancid flesh onto my face, neck, shoulders. I can feel the debris rolling slickly off of my skin as he leans in close.

"Renesmee," he moans, his putrid breath stagnates in my face. "I trusted you and you threw me aside. Look at what you've done to me." His large hands grip my neck and he sinks his fingers into my flesh.

I can feel my windpipe crushing and I wretch as the pressure triggers my gag reflex. My stomach is heaving, my breath wheezing. I close my eyes against his revolting sight, horrified by his words – I did this to him? And now I was going to die. A strangled sound escapes from my open mouth as I struggle against him, my fingers clawing at his hands, and then I simply give up. I can't move, I can't scream, I can't win.

_Oh God, please, Renesmee, you need to hold on!_

My father's voice pleads from above me but I'm too far gone to respond and I slip into darkness.

***

A strange hissing sound penetrated my sleepy mind, pulling me into semi-consciousness. I tried to close my ears to it not wanting to wake up just yet, I was too tired, but the hiss was persistent and I slowly became aware of my surroundings. I first noticed the air. It felt thick and heavy and its dryness scraped down my chest. It bubbled through my airways and languished in my chest, taunting my muscles as they heaved against the viscosity.

_Why does my chest hurt? Why is it so hard to breathe?_

Strange flashes of forest and faces mingled behind my closed eyes, slowly unraveling into a sequence of terrifying events. I gasped as I remembered my dream, the pain in my chest making me flinch as the air filled it.

_What the fuck was that?_

I brought my hand up to my head and winced as something stabbed into my side.

I attempted to open my eyes, but the pounding in my head protested at the intrusion of light. I groaned deeply. And then I groaned again as the vibrations from the sound rumbled against my raw bronchi.

Something hot pressed into my forearm. My eyes shot open and I flinched at the sunlight shining brightly into my bedroom.

"Too bright," I croaked

I threw free arm over my eyes to block out the too intense light. I caught a glimpse of Jacob as I did and horrific Dream-Jacob flashed across my mind. I froze; dread crawled along my skin causing the hairs to stand along my arms and my neck.

His hand left my arm and I heard his footsteps on the hardwood and the clattering of blinds being lowered.

He returned to my side, sat back down and pressed his hand back onto my arm. I flinched; the memory of Dream Jacob wouldn't go away.

"Renesmee?" His voice was low and gentle but the dread I felt continued to send goose bumps over my skin.

I sniffed the air tentatively, the breath scraping its way into my chest. Jacob. Jacob! Relief swept over me as his familiar, though more pungent than usual, scent greeted me.

"Renesmee?" He gently squeezed my forearm.

I took another cautious breath. Dad was here too. Relieved, I pulled my arm away from my face and lowered it cautiously.

I looked around. Jacob was sat in my desk chair, his knees bent almost to his ears with his puppy dog eyes trained on me protectively. He looked ridiculous, and cute. I rolled my eyes and huffed, which I immediately regretted, the huffing only irritated the burning in my chest and my abrasiveness caused a look of hurt to mar Jacob's face. That look pulled on a familiar knot in my stomach and irritated me further.

"Jake, will you please stop looking at me like that,' I said. I looked down pointedly at his hand. "And could I have little space too?" I snapped. I couldn't stop myself; he annoyed me with his over-protectiveness. I already had enough of that from my parents.

He nodded gently and pushed himself backwards. The chair legs grated on the floor, sending little shockwaves of pain through the solid pounding inside my skull. I scowled at him.

"Why are you in my room first thing in the morning?" _And why do I feel like hell?_

Dad came into view as he sat down beside me on my bed. I studied his face. He was smiling, but behind it there was something else. There was a tightness there that I could only describe as apprehension. "Three day's sickness hasn't dampened your tenacity. How do you feel?"

"Three days sickness?" I frowned, confused. Then I thought about the burning in my chest and how the air felt so thick, making it difficult to breathe. Gingerly I took a breath, inhaling as deeply as I could and the smoldering accelerated into a fire. I grimaced and immediately Jacob's hand was back on my arm, his face once again leaning over mine.

Slowly I let the breath back out, not wanting to encourage the fire. "Jacob, please, some room."

His understanding eyes held mine for a moment and I immediately felt mine prickle at the sadness in his.

I looked back at Dad as I struggled to push myself into a sitting position. My muscles ached and the pounding in my head took on the rhythm of a pneumatic drill. I hissed as I fell back down onto the pillows and then yelped as the stabbing in my side flared. I squeezed my eyes tightly and I felt a tear escape down my cheek.

Dad's voice was barely a whisper as he rubbed my arm. "Sweetheart, you have a tube in your chest. It's going to hurt for a while."

I heard the rustle of my comforter and the mattress beside me depress. The air by my face warmed.

"Jacob, just give her a minute." The tone in his voice was sharp.

Obviously my guard dog was hovering again. Despite the pain and my guilt at how I was speaking to him, I bristled in irritation at him. I took a few difficult breaths, trying to inhale and exhale as slowly as possible and flinching with every movement my chest made. Dad's hand smoothed rhythmically over my forehead and I began to relax. The throbbing retreated inch by inch and my muscles slowly relinquished their grip on my bones. The room was silent except for the gentle chirping of birds and the swishing of the wind through the leafy canopy of the forest that surrounded the house. The breeze through the open window carried honeysuckle, warm oak, birch, pine and damp leafy earth. They meingled with the scents of my grandmother's collection of heritage roses that trailed over the latticed fence surrounding the garden.

Dad's hand grew slower. I dissolved into my exhaustion. He began to hum quietly and my mind, comforted by the swirling aromas and sounds, began to drift. I recalled warm evenings, Moby Dick, Little Women and the lulling narrative as one of my parents would read to me. The soft feather pillow cradled my head as I'd snuggle deeper into my comforter and a warm hand would stroke my brow.

Wait! Realization flicked at my temples and sucked me back to reality.

I opened my eyes, bewildered. "Dad, help me up please."

He reached under my arms and slowly pulled me up to a sitting position. I sucked in a breath as a new pain pinched. Dad paused and I looked up at him questioningly.

"Catheter," he explained.

_Nice._

Jacob shot behind me and fussed with my pillows. I rolled my eyes.

Once I was settled against them I took a moment to try to collect my thoughts. If I was the same temperature as dad what did that mean? There was an IV in my hand; the skin was discolored around the point of insertion. I toughed a finger to my tongue and sniffed at the liquid left behind on the tip; saliva, not venom. I swallowed, testing my throat for signes of burning instead of the mild tickle I usually felt when I needed blood. I smiled a my silliness. If I wasn't human anymore I wouldn't be finding it difficult to breathe and I wouldn't need an IV so I really didn't need to be checking out any other signs. I thought back to Jake's hand being on my arm and how much hotter than usual it had felt, and how warm Dad's hand had felt. I frowned in confusion and looked back at Jake and my Dad. They were hiding something. I narrowed my eyes.

I took a deep breath, ignoring the loud protesting in my lungs and a hacking cough vibrated through my battered chest, bringing on a new wave of pain. I held my hand out as they both moved forward to help me. Damn it, breathing was hard! It took me a minute to regain my composure. Finally I slumped back into the pillows. I was frustratingly weak.

"What's going on? Why is there an IV in my arm, why does my chest feel like I've inhaled lava, why have I lost 3 days and why am I the same temperature as you?" The sentence came out in broken pieces interspersed with shallow breaths. I looked around me and sniffed the air looking for my mother's scent. She wasn't here. "Why isn't mom here?" I demanded.

Dad's hands pressed together almost prayer like over his mouth before spreading out to rub up and over his face and then returning to his mouth again. He looked tired, if that were possible. "What do you remember?" he asked.

"I don't remember anything." All I could remember was that freakishly real dream I had, and I did not want to think about that again for the rest of my existence.

"You developed a lung infection. You were in your bedroom with Esme when you collapsed. You've been in and out of consciousness since then. The infection got out of control very quickly and your lung - collapsed." He flinched as he said the word. "The IV in your arm is delivering antibiotics and electrolytes into your blood." He held up what looked like an asthma inhaler- steroids. "Now you're awake you'll need to take this too. You have a tube in your chest to keep your lung inflated as it heals." Dad's voice was strained as he struggled over the words. I could see the muscles in his neck twitching as he tried to keep control of the calm expression he carefully wore.

That explained the burning in my chest, the pain in my side, the difficulty breathing and my tiredness – I mentally ticked off my symptoms - but it didn't explain my apparent lack of warmth, nor why mom wasn't here.

"And?"

Jacob shuffled his feet on the floor. Dad shot him a warning look. I knew that look. Jacob had something to say and Dad wasn't about to let him say it.

"And, your body has been maintaining a temperature similar to your ambient temperature."

"What does that mean?" Despite the news of my dramatic collapse I felt a shiver of excitement and it showed in my tone.

I noted another warning look towards Jacob. Jacob glared back at my father.

"We don't know what it means darling. Right now I want you to concentrate on resting and getting better."

'You didn't answer my question about mom. Where is she?"

There was a knock at my door and Grandma's face appeared. _Finally someone who might give me some honest answers_, I thought.

"I heard my Granddaughter talking. Are you hungry?" she asked me.

"Starving."

"Peanut butter on toast?"

I could already smell the salty aroma of melted butter mingled with the toasty warmth of the bread. My stomach gurgled. I nodded vigorously and the throbbing in my head flared in anger. I winced.

"Could I have some Advil? I'm hurting everywhere."

Grandma stepped through the doorway. "I have something stronger right here with your toast, and a glass of lemonade." She smiled warmly as she crossed the room.

Jacob and Dad moved back from my bed to allow her access. She placed the tray on my nightstand and handed me two pills and the glass.

I grabbed the pills and threw them into my mouth, chasing them down with a mouthful of lemonade. I wanted to chug the whole glass – I felt like I'd been licking the carpet – but I couldn't get enough air into my lungs so I settled for a mouthful at a time.

She smiled again, a sigh escaping her mouth. Obviously she was relieved to see me wanting food and water.

"I have three pitchers made in the refrigerator. I went especially to the store to get your favorite; Meyer lemons. You need the vitamin C."

I drained the last drops of the sweet and sour liquid.

She took the glass from me and handed me the plate of fragrant toast. I bit into the peanutty goodness.

She reached out and brushed my hair away from my cheek. "I have missed those beautiful eyes." She was studying my carefully. "You have some color back in your cheeks too."

I looked up at her; suspicion tapped around the edges of my mind. She had that same guarded look that Dad had. Her smile was off and I'd noticed something flash across her face as her hand had made contact with my skin. When she realized that I was trying to decipher her expression she quickly looked away, redirecting her attention towards dad.

"Where's Mom?" I was getting scared. Had something happened to her?

Grandma turned her head back to me. "She's with your Grandfather, dear." I noted the minute waver in her voice.

"And where is he?" I asked slowly, raising my eyebrows pleadingly.

And there it was; the thing they were hiding from me. She looked back at Dad. Dad swallowed, again, his face remained passive. Jacob glanced sideward at Dad. Dad growled softly. I knew he'd think I wouldn't be able to hear him, but strangely I could. What was going on here? What were they hiding from me?

Something began to rise inside me. It started off as discomfort creeping in the pit of my stomach, like that feeling you get when you just know something is very wrong. Slowly it spread outwards, reaching into every space it could find before crawling into my veins, where it was swept into the thunder of my pulse. It surged into every corner, gushed into every nerve until it roared into the space between my ears. It pushed out the irritation and annoyance, whipped the exhaustion from my limbs, and dampened the aching and throbbing and burning.

I looked from Grandma, to Jacob and then to Dad. "What is it?" I whispered.

Grandma took hold of my hand, rubbing her thumbs over my palm.

Dad sat at the end of my bed and rested his hands on my feet, forcing a smile.

Jacob remained where he was, his hands stiff at his sides.

I looked back at Dad. "Please tell me what's going on. Is mom okay?"

He squeezed my ankles. "Sweetheart your mom is fine. Really. She's helping Carlisle with some research, trying to make sure you recover quickly. She wanted to be here but Carlisle needed, help." I noted the hesitation at the word 'help'. "We decided it was best for me to stay here with you and for her to go with him since I have the medical degrees. She'll be calling soon to check up on you."

"So, Mom and Pop-Pop are researching, at the hospital?" I ventured. "And where are Alice and Jasper?" I already knew Rosalie and Emmett were in the house. I could hear Rosalie was at the computer, her well manicured fingers tapping intermittently on the keys. Emmett was with her, I could pick out his scent.

"Alice is out in the barn with Jasper. She's staying there for a while. She's trying to see if you're going to give us any more trouble." He used the word 'trouble' affectionately. "Jacob here is making it almost impossible for her to see anything."

I stared at the three of them completely frustrated. Their fake smiles were not fooling me. I felt a flash of anger that they were treating me like a child, again. I was through with all this over protective bullshit. I wanted to stamp my feet and shout, since I could do neither I folded my arms over my chest, immediately wincing as the chest tube smarted-this was going to get old fast- which was pretty much the final straw. My temper flared;I glowered at them.

"Alice can't see me even when Jake isn't around and if someone doesn't tell me right now why you all look like someone is about to die I'm-well I don't know what I'm going to do." My eyes prickled and angry tears began to fall as I realized I had nothing to barter with. I was stuck here, with damned tubes hanging out of me, feeling like hell and people were hiding shit from me!

I watched them closely, looking for a chink in their collective armor. I saw Jacob glance towards my father and my father's jaw clench almost imperceptibly. Having a mind reader for a father sometimes had its uses. He didn't realize it, but I'd learned to read his minute reactions to other people's thoughts long ago. Jacob was thinking something that dad disapproved of.

I'd found my chink. Jacob would tell me.

* * *

Well, that's it. Sorry for such a delay in updating. I struggled with this chapter - it was mean to me and I'm still getting over my battle scars. Want to help me recover? Reviews work wonders on wounds, oh and they also spur me on...plans are to update every 2 weeks form now on and reviewers will get the new chapter a couple of days before it's published here.


	5. When Titans Clash part 1

**A/N THE BELLIE AWARDS**

NOMINATIONS HAVE BEGUN AND WILL END ON THE 24TH OF JUNE. SO HEAD ON OVER AND NOMINATE 'NORTH STAR'. THANKS! http://wwwdotthecattdotnet/tw/Aboutdotaspx (Just replace the word 'dot' with periods.)

**This chapter has been split**

I apologise, but in the re-write it's gotten ridiculously long...like 7k long, so i decided to split it in two. Part one is not a cliffie, before you begin to panic ( I know I would) Jasper and Edward are not going to get into fisty cuffs. Part two is where you will find the cliffhanger, adn that will be posted in a couple of days or so.

* * *

"You are NOT telling Renesmee _anything!_" I paced back and forth on the veranda. I'd insisted Jacob accompany me from Renesmee's room. Jacob's face was too easy to read and Renesmee was too good at twisting him around her little finger. I may not have been able to read her thoughts right then, but I could see she planned to corner him. I needed to reiterate our conversation from last night. "She doesn't need to know anything more than what we have just told her." I stopped pacing and pointed my finger at him. "You will not tell her anything, Jacob. Do you understand?"

He leaned against the thick column of oak supporting the copper and wood roof that cast deep shadows around the edges of the exterior walls of the house. He crossed his arms and regarded me with an irritating coolness. "She deserves to know. She wants to know."

"For her sake or for yours?" I eyed him meaningfully as he began internally reciting a Quileute legend, attempting to hide his thoughts from me.

"I don't know what you mean." He looked away from me and out over the lawn that stretched out to the edge of the forest surrounding the house. The story he was thinking through turned into a list of the internal workings of his beloved Ducati. The dog really did think I was stupid, or unobservant, or both. In any case his arrogance, as always, was not helping his petition to stay here with my family.

"You know exactly what I mean." Did he truly think he was that good at hiding his thoughts from me? "You're not asking her to marry you."

He snorted to hide his surprise. "What, you want me to ask you for your blessing first? That's pretty old fashioned isn't it?"

His usual disrespect grated on every overwrought nerve I had and I blew out a breath, attempting to control my temper. "Yes, it is old fashioned, and if I considered you to be a suitable choice for my daughter I'd expect you to treat the tradition with the appropriate reverence."

"If? _If? _I don't think you understand how imprinting works." He smirked and shook his head, still looking out over the garden. "And you saw what Alice saw."

The vision of my beautiful little girl dressed in white, her arm linked in mine as I escorted her down the aisle filled my mind. I'd clung to that vision for the last two days. It was the only reassurance I had that she would live through the changes that were raging on inside of her. It hadn't occurred to Jacob that Alice seeing Renesmee in the future meant that he was not a part of it. His devotion and his uncontrollable hormones had, undoubtedly, clouded his judgment, again.

"And I think I need to remind you of Alice's gift being rendered useless by Quileute werewolves." I raised a quizzical eyebrow, waiting to see any light of understanding in his eyes.

He turned his head to look at me and instead of understanding I saw desperation. It spread from his eyes and over his face and his shoulders slumped as he lowered his head to stare at the floor. "I love her, I can't be without her," he whispered. "She's everything."

For a second my feelings softened and I decided to hide the fact that Alice had told me that the man who had waited at the end of the aisle was most certainly not Jacob. In his emotional state Jacob's attempts at blocking me faltered and I was subjected to more than I could handle about his hopes for a future with my daughter. My empathy for him disappeared.

"You love her? Taking her out on that thing," I waved towards the outbuilding where his yellow and chrome motorcycle was kept, "without my permission and without the proper attire just because she asked you to proves that you love her? Sneaking her out when my back is turned to take her on some day trip that could have killed her shows your love and respect for her?" I shuddered at the memory of the accident. I should have taken his head off that day. If it weren't for Renesmee's pleas and her admission that she had manipulated the imbecile I would have. "Refusing to leave when we need Alice's vision while she can see Renesmee illustrates your love for her? You should have continued on to Forks with Paul. You don't love her; you have no idea what it is to truly love someone! You've proven on no less than five occasions in this past six months that the only thing you are capable of is allowing your ego to make poor decisions involving my daughter, to try to impress her!"

We were staring each other down now, two monsters who had little regard for each other's race. I could feel his animosity bubbling under the surface of his icy regard for me. It was a dangerous edge to be on – a vampire and a werewolf forced to live in close proximity. It was even more dangerous when that werewolf was in love with the vampire's six year old daughter. The monster I hid inside of me launched himself at the bars of his cage, rattling the metal with ferocity.

Jacob must have sensed my rising anger because he bared his teeth and said, "It wouldn't be good for me to be injured, Edward. My brothers would be here to kick some vampire ass quicker than I would heal and the last time I counted we outnumber you."

A risk I couldn't take – tempting as it was. I swallowed the venom that had pooled in my mouth, hating that I had become entangled in this situation; hating that I'd allowed Jacob into our lives; hating that my love for my wife and my daughter had clouded my judgment. The dog was dangerous, our basic hatred for one another was dangerous and I'd been fool to think otherwise. Yet here we were, in a stale mate, and I couldn't afford any risk to my family, especially now. We were vulnerable. I'd have to bide my time and find another way to eject him from our lives.

"Look, Jacob, I understand that you – _love_ – her," I said, clinging to the little restraint I had left. "But you let it cloud your judgment. Renesmee is my daughter and I will decide just how much we tell her concerning her condition. You will keep your thoughts to yourself."

"Or you'll do what? Throw me out? Renesmee wouldn't forgive you."

"I'll live with it."

Check mate.

Jacob stood to his full height, his face turning from smug to thunderous. "You're treating her like a child," he accused as his fists curled at his sides.

"She _is_ a child," I growled.

"She's sixteen, by the end of the summer she'll be almost eighteen – "

"She is six years old," I interrupted. "And it would serve you well to remember that."

"You're wrong. She lives in a house with people who's total age is more than a thousand years. Carlisle's experience alone hasn't exactly been wasted on her. She's not stupid, Edward, and you're treating her as if she is."

"It doesn't matter how much experience we have in life, she's still only six years old and wisdom comes from experience. She's not ready to make major decisions about her life so you are not telling her she may be –" I couldn't say the word out loud. The mere thought drained me of any good in me and turned me into the quivering, hopeless animal I was. And so it should. I'd done this to her. My un-natural DNA was killing her. I sank to the steps, not caring that my posture put me in a very vulnerable position to the werewolf.

Jacob was not to be deterred, too involved in his own cause to absorb the gravity of the situation. His mind was only on one track; to force Renesmee into a decision she wasn't ready to make under the circumstances.

"She's old enough to drive, nearly old enough to vote. She should have been going to school. Instead you keep her holed up in this place to _protect_ her, to protect all of you."

And I'd done a great job of protecting her hadn't I? The reminder of the life my little girl had lived, because of the mistake I'd made in giving in to her mother and allowing my selfish desires to rule my head, caused an ache where my hear should have beaten. _Where my heart should be._ A monster without a beating heart; something that needed the love of a beautiful soul to save it because it had no hope of salvation shouldn't be a father. Something that monstrous could only cause pain and suffering where there should be hope and light. The proof of that was lying in her bedroom, a tube in her chest, her body battered by a sudden and acute infection that had nearly taken her life less than ninety-six hours ago. And it was my rotten seed that had done it, devouring her immune system to almost nothing.

It would do it again, the next time attacking her lungs, hardening the tissues and causing her agony. After that it would attack her heart, giving her congestive heart failure. And each time she would recover, but she would be weaker, until finally the attacks would take over her whole body, her cells crystallizing and hardening but unable to survive without the oxygen she needed, without the basic functions her cells would still need. Vampires and humans shouldn't mate. It was un-natural, wrong, and my little girl was paying for it.

" – instead she's still dreaming about a normal life. Now she may never have the chance." Jacob was still talking, crouched down less than two feet from me.

His scent hung in the still air, pungent and rancid, heightened by the adrenaline that I could sense coursing through him. It called to me, daring me to attack, encouraging the primal within me to reach out and snap his neck. My arm twitched. "This is not the time, Jacob,' I said through clenched teeth. My voice was low and threatening. It wavered as I tried to control my mounting antipathy. "You have no idea what you are talking about."

The idiot ignored me. "Can't you see what it's done to her? She's hardly come out of her room all year. When she does she barely talks! Even Emmett can't make her laugh anymore." His voice had turned to a pleading whine. "I can't even remember the last time she smiled."

_And it's my fault._

He stood and backed away to lean against the wooden column again. His shoulders slumped and he turned his head to stare out over the lawn.

He was right. My daughter, so full of life, so ready to laugh and play, had slipped away from us. Since January she'd spent more and more time alone, barely leaving her room except to go out running with Emmett. The day she had refused to come out with me or Bella had torn me in half. Our conversations had turned to perfunctory dialogue. Altercations that evaded Jasper's talent had erupted more times than I cared to count. I'd seen her tears slide down her cheeks too often to bear. Our household had routinely become the stage for a Greek tragedy.

She's distanced herself from Jacob too.

We'd all been grieving for the little girl we were losing. And now we were out of time, I was out of time to make it up to her, unless Bella and Carlisle recovered the book they were seeking in South America.

Bella. I stood and kneaded my forehead as I took my cell out of my pocket and checked it for the sixty-seventh time today; it was nine-thirty in the morning. _Bella my love, where are you?_ She should have called two hours ago. I hit re-dial and waited for Alice to pick up. Jasper answered.

"Carlisle and Bella are still safe and she still sees them returning home safely, Edward." His tone was clipped.

I ignored the strain in his voice. "What about Renesmee?" I demanded. "Can Alice still see her?" Although I knew that was hopeless, it had been since Jacob's hasty turn around from his journey to Forks with Paul. "Is she still improving? How long before we get the results from the lab?"

"Alice can't see anything while Jacob remains here. She does see the technician picking up the phone with the results in his hand. The clock on the laboratory wall says eleven-forty-five." He relayed the information as if he were reading a grocery list he'd read once too often. "Look, Edward –"

"Can she see what the results say?"

"Edward!" Jasper raised his voice.

"What? What's wrong? What does she see?' I began to pace the weathered oak Esme had re-claimed from and old Victorian house in Nashua. The seasoned wood creaked under my feet and the pitch encroached on my last shred of patience. "Damn it Jasper, just tell me!" I shot my hand out to the nearest wall and cringed as the yellow siding splintered under the force.

"Alice, she can't take much more of this; trying to see around Jacob, watching South America, watching for the Volturi, everything. She's exhausted. Leave her alone." His protection of his mate came out in a hiss.

I silently chastised myself at my lack of control – my lack of concern for my family members, currently my lack of anything that resembled sanity – and pinched the bridge of my nose firmly, willing myself to regain the composure I'd grappled with since our hurried departure from isle Esme.

A hand gently touched my arm and I opened my eyes to find Esme peering up at me. Lord, I was so far gone I hadn't even heard her approach. Her eyes were gentle and resolute. I imagined they must be a sharp contrast to the wild blackness she would see in mine as the turbulent emotions I felt battled to unleash that terrible part of me I fought so hard to conceal.

She continued to gaze up at me, acting as an anchor, willing me to relinquish the fear that was taking over and driving my anger and find a path from the edge I was balancing on. She reached her other hand over and slowly took the phone from me.

"Jasper darling, what is happening?"

Their conversation was brief. Her face clouded for a moment as Jasper explained the physical strain Alice was experiencing. She nodded as her told her when Renesmee's results would be revealed to us, her breath catching softly in her throat. Her hand left my arm and fluttered to her chest when he told her Carlisle and Bella would return safely. Her eyes remained my anchor, never leaving mine, gauging my emotional temperature.

"Jasper," she said as she glanced over to Jacob, seemingly taking in his demeanor. "Would you come to the house for a brief period? I could stay with Alice for you."

His reply was short and to the point. I could still hear the strain in his voice.

"Thank you, dear." She closed the phone and handed it back to me.

"Who's with Renesmee?" I asked, listening for a heartbeat form the third floor of the colonial. It was there, dragging behind its usual cadence, but strong and rhythmic. Another anchor for me.

"Rosalie. She's talking to Renesmee about what happened while she was unconscious."

"What?"

Jacob snorted. "Seems like I'm not the only one who thinks she should know."

I shot him a ferocious look and bared my teeth, hissing a warning. He straightened up, his hands balling into fists, and revealed his own teeth.

Esme stepped between us. "Enough! Renesmee may hear you." She lowered her voice to a murmur. "Edward, Rosalie is simply explaining about the infection, its sudden onset and what happened to her. She is not sharing anything else. She will not be told anything more until we have more information from Bella and Carlisle." She looked pointedly at Jacob. "You will not force her into any situation simply because she will believe it will be the one normal thing she'll get to do. She will have choices."

Jacob lowered his eyes to the ground. At least he had respect for Esme.

Jasper appeared at the steps leading up to the shaded porch and I inwardly bristled as a wave of calm crept over me. The shaking within me, my keeper for the last four days, began to subside. The animosity I felt towards Jacob sank into indifference. "I don't need your help, Jasper." I wanted to feel my anguish. I deserved it.

Jasper crossed his arms over his chest. His mouth was set into a hard line. "I have to disagree with you, brother." He glared at Jacob and then at me as he allowed some of his talent to slide away.

The shaking began to return and there was the monster, growling and twitching in the corner of his cage. I closed my eyes and swallowed venom as it began to trickle into my mouth.

_You're going to jump over that edge you're walking on and I need you calm, for Alice._ Jaspers thoughts were controlled enough, but the undertone was almost threatening. A wave of guilt grew up from the knot in my stomach, forcing me to lean heavily against the post opposite Jacob. _You're not the only one of us who is suffering, Edward. Please, try to remember that._

Esme felt it too, the emotions Jasper expertly wielded. She turned to me and placed her hand on my cheek. "Apologize to Jasper, I'll convey your regrets to Alice," she whispered. She looked at me with such compassion I would have wept had I possessed the ability. _You're a good man Edward. We all love you and we will prevail. They'll find the book, just please, keep hold of your pain, don't make this worse._ She smiled at me, trying to reassure me before descending the steps and darting off into the forest.

She'd smiled that same smile just two nights ago, when she'd found me deep in the forest surrounded by fallen trees and pulverized rocks and hunched over Renesmee's bloodied sweater. I hadn't even realized that the chilling, animal sounds reverberating around the fresh clearing emanated from me until she'd crouched down to my level and fiercely thrown her arms around my shoulders.

Our discovery of the ancient Ticuan legends of two half breeds - whom had somehow gotten caught between their human half and complete transformation to vampire - had been too much. The record of their pain and suffering and eventual death had loomed in devastating clarity on the computer screen in our family room. Carlisle's thoughts of confusion and guilt, Esme's silent whimpers, Rosalie's shouts of denial, all had run around my head in furious circles. But it was Bella's silence that had crippled me. She's collapsed against the wall, her legs seeming to barely hold her up, her eyes wide and un-seeing. When I'd rushed to her side, she'd focused on my face with an expression that had sent me into a bottomless pit of fear. I'd put my hands up to her face but she'd darted away and up to Renesmee's room.

I'd wanted to go after her. Instead I'd abandoned her, again. I ran to the place in the forest that I'd systematically torn apart until I'd collapsed in a heap on the damp pine needles, breathing in the scent of my daughter's spilled blood and begging to any god listening for the gift to turn time.

Esme had stayed with me until sunrise, her arms never moving. I'd come to my senses briefly and try to get up to go back to the house, where my wife and daughter needed me, but she'd tighten her grip and tell me to stay. The seventeen year old boy in me listened and allowed his mother to comfort him. When the sun rose she'd kissed the top of my head and pointed to it.

"The sun rose, Edward," she'd said. "And tonight it will set again. You have to keep going."

We'd returned to the house. Bella and Carlisle had already left for South America, to Kaure, our housekeeper on isle Esme, hoping she could give them more information. I realized then what Esme had done for me, for all of us. She'd given me space so that decisions I was too paralyzed to make could be made and action could be taken. Still, the last expression I'd seen on my beautiful wife's face haunted me. The last action I'd taken, abandoning her, scraped at my insides.

Emmett appeared at my side. "Things were getting pretty heated out here."

_You don't say! _Rosalie's thoughts dripped acid from the third floor window. _If you can't keep it down take it somewhere else. And tell Jacob to back off, before Emmett gets involved._

_You need me to take the boy and have a conversation? Break open a couple of cans of Pedigree or something? _Emmett's eyebrows waggled at his next thought. _I think Carlisle has some tranquilizers in his supply; I could slip him a few in the food._

My mouth twitched. Trust Emmett for find the funny in a tense situation.

"That may be the safest option for all of us," I murmured, low and fast enough to escape the dog's ears.

Jasper sauntered up the stairs, his hands in his pockets. His casual demeanor did not translate to his face, which displayed barely concealed anger. "Emmett, why don't you take Jacob in for a Coke or something? I think we have some cans in the refrigerator."

Emmett chocked back a snicker, attempting to hide it behind a coughing gesture.

Jasper shot Emmett a withering look, the joke being lost on him. "Jacob," Jasper began as he tossed emotions of compliance into the air. "I think you should re-consider joining your pack in Forks. Just for a few days. Your father needs you right now, Leah called. He's getting worse."

Jacob stepped a pace away from Jasper. "I know what you're trying to do. That mind mojo stuff won't work on me. I'm not leaving you, and I'm not leaving her. The Volturi –"

"Without Bella we don't stand a chance against the Volturi, even with you here. Besides, Alice has been watching and doesn't see anything." Jasper increased his efforts.

Jacob's eyes glazed over for a moment before he shook his head violently. "Stop it," he spat.

Emmett clapped his hand on Jacob's back. "Dude, we're all pretty tense here. Let's go inside, cool off, give it some thought?" _Let's try the friendly approach for a while. _"Perhaps Renesmee would like to see you?" he suggested.

I growled in response.

"Ah well, maybe not then," he glanced warily at me, warning me to play nice for a moment. "Jacob, my brothers need a moment." He increased the pressure on Jacob's back, but Jacob didn't move. Finally Emmett brought his face within inches of Jacob's and flashed him a smile. "You can do it and keep your dignity, man, or I can haul your ass into the house myself. Either way, you're coming with me."

Jacob knew he wouldn't win in a wrestle with my hulk of a brother and his overgrown ego was too fragile to find out, so he walked toward the door. _You can't keep me from her, not if she wants to see me,_ he thought.

Judging by her reaction this morning, I wasn't sure if she wanted to see him or not, but regardless, I wasn't letting him anywhere near her now that I knew what was on his mind. "Just go inside, Jacob. I'll talk to you later." Jasper's talent had taken full effect; right now I felt nothing but indifference.

Emmett followed Jacob, clapping his hand on my shoulder and throwing me another one-line about dog food and tranquilizers before entering the house.

I glanced at Jasper, the calm indifference fading as Jasper loosened his grip on my emotions. The fury was still plain on his face. I mentally kicked myself for my indiscretion regarding Alice's precarious condition. I'd already know she'd been suffering headaches ever since Jacob had returned and I'd pushed her to continue looking.

"Jasper," I said running a hand through my disheveled hair, "I'm sorry."

He let out a long breath and pointed his finger at me. "You need to be."

* * *

Don't forget **NOMINATE NORTH STAR AT THE BELLIE AWARDS**

And reviews help soothe Edward's furrowed brow. They also encourage me to write faster, which may also help to soothe Edward's furrowed brow.


	6. When Titans Clash part 2

I mentally kicked myself for my indiscretion. I crossed the porch and leaned on the ornate banister, another of Esme's finds. I turned my cell over and over in my hands, staring at it intently, as if I could somehow will it into a glorious and placating rendition of Bella's lullaby. I smiled thinking about the day she'd handed me the black gift box, embellished with a red bow. I already knew it was a replacement phone, my old one having fallen into the hands of a curious Renesmee. What I hadn't known was that Bella had programmed her number into it and attached the composition so that it would play whenever she called. Her phone blared 'You Sexy Thing' whenever I called her. I didn't really understand, but she liked it.

"She still hasn't called," Jasper stated.

The anxiety was returning. "No."

He joined me at the railing. I couldn't look at him so I settled for words.

"How is she?"

"In pain."

"Jasper, I'm sorry."

"You need to be."

"I know."

"Don't use her like that again. I will do everything I can to ensure Renesmee remains with us, we all will. We all love her, but I also love my wife."

Renesmee-remaining with us-I couldn't even contemplate the alternative. I jumped as my phone clattered onto the flagstone beneath the porch. I stared at it, still in one piece. Something so small and breakable converging with a hard, cold slab of granite shouldn't stay in one piece. And yet it did, Bella had, and we'd created something between the extremes; something that floated impossibly amidst weak and strong, mortality and immortality. Our opposing traits had co-existed within Renesmee, until now. My true nature, the monster that I was, had finally broken free and was obliterating our little girl from the inside out.

"It's my fault."

_Keep your voices down_, Rosalie warned as our conversation turned to the reason that had created a tenth circle in my idea of Hell.

I pressed a finger to my lips before pointing upwards to warn Jasper.

"Edward, it's not your fault."

"I should have known better. I did know better. Vampires and humans aren't supposed to—"

"We'll find an answer. Carlisle is hopeful. Kaure spoke of a cure. They're close to finding the correct text."

"And if they don't find the book?"

"We have time. We'll find another way. Alice will see another way."

He remained for a moment, before placing a hand on my back. "I can't tell you what news Carlisle and Bella have, Alice can't see your conversation because of Jacob; she can see Carlisle on a land line somewhere in Brazil dialing your number. His wristwatch indicates 10.15. They're safe, Edward. I know their wellbeing is only half of your pain, but I hope that will help. "Another wave of calm doused the sparks that were ricocheting in chaotic patterns from one nerve ending to another.

"Thank you."

He descended the steps and picked up my cell. "It still works," he said as he tossed it to me.

I caught it and nodded to him in thanks.

"She'll get through this. I don't doubt what Alice saw." _And tell Jacob he needs to go, whilst she still has a chance of seeing Renesmee._

I watched him disappear into the forest, his thoughts consumed by images of a fetal Alice wedged into the corner of their white sofa. I leaned my head into my hand as I sunk into my guilt.

_I'm not leaving._

I ground my teeth as venom pooled in my mouth and coursed into my muscles. I moved away from the railing and placed my phone in my pocket, before my temper caused damage to either object, turning towards the house as I did so. I clenched and unclenched my hands and breathed deeply, trying to subdue the effect Jacob's stubborn mind had on me. He was stood in the doorway. Emmett appeared behind him and raised his eyebrows, asking if I needed his help. I shook my head. He retreated into the house again. I heard his fingers begin to pound away at Rosalie's laptop.

Jacob snorted, "You need big brother to watch your back now?"

"Shut up."

He opened his feckless mouth but both Emmett and I growled out a warning. His teeth snapped together.

I looked at my watch as Jacob continued to glare at me. Ten-oh-five. Ten minutes. I listened for Renesmee's heartbeat and my spirits shifted. There had been a change, her heart rate had quickened. It was still slower than normal, but the increased tempo was a sign that rippled through me and eased some of the chaos in my head. I listened for her thoughts, but nothing broke through.

"Rosalie?" Would you come down here?"

Her heavy sigh was quickly followed by the rapid staccato of her heels as they dug into the white pine of the hallway and descended down the central staircase. Jacob stepped out onto the porch as she approached.

Her eyes flamed at the sight of the two of us. She put one hand on her hip and gestured with the other, shooing us both off of the porch, directing us until we reached the shadow of the oak that stood at the far southern edge of the lawn.

'If you two are going to lock antlers again you need to go somewhere else to do it." She tapped her hand against the thickened bark. "Renesmee is suspicious enough as it is and neither of you are helping." She hissed on 'helping'.

"She's improving. I could hear it. How is her temperature?" _An increase, please God an increase?_

"Ninety-eight-point-six."

_Two degrees to go. Thank you, thank you, thank you._ I praised every deity I could think of.

Jacob's head thudded against the trunk as he leaned back and closed his eyes. A low gush of air escaped his lips which were barely moving in a silent prayer.

"Her color is almost back to normal too."

Her oxygen saturation had improved.

_Edward, you need to get him away from here if Alice has any chance of seeing how long we have. Now._ _If the legends are correct this is just the beginning._

I flinched.

_Sorry. _Rosalie gave me a forced smile before she turned and walked back towards the house. _Don't let Emmett get involved._

I looked toward Jacob. His lips were still moving beneath his closed eyes and a tear slipped onto his cheek.

I remembered hours of standing in almost the exact same position in Phoenix, waiting for news, and the relief when Bella's surgeon had closed the final tear in Bella's artery and congratulated himself on a job well done. And again when the attending read her CT and felt optimistic that she would wake up, but until she had opened her eyes, until I had seen her smile of recognition, I had hovered in a world of small mercies, desperate pleas and self-recrimination.

I was back in that world again, dragging the people I loved with me. _My fault_. I couldn't even cry for them. That creature inside of me wouldn't let me.

"Jacob, I need you to leave. Go back to Forks, see your father."

His head snapped away from the trunk and whipped around. He glowered at me. "No. I'm staying here. I am staying with her."

"She's going to be fine. They'll find the book and she'll be fine." I said it more for my benefit than for his, but I needed him to leave.

"And what if they don't, she's got weeks at best. There have only been two cases similar to hers. What if it goes differently for her? What if she – whilst I'm gone – what if she—" He began to quiver and his scent grew stronger.

"Jacob, control yourself. Alice saw her, way in the future, whilst you were traveling back from Forks after Renesmee collapsed. Remember?"

"That's one possibility. She also saw the other possibility. I'm not leaving her."

The shrill tone of my phone brought the conversation to an end. I grabbed it from my pocket and flipped it open. Ten-fifteen, just as Alice had seen.

"Carlisle, did you find it?" There was a pause at the end of the line. "Carlisle, please tell me you found it."I could hear his hand pass over his face. "Carlisle?"

"Son, I'm sorry. I am so sorry." There was the defeat again, like the voice of a man who had seen the evil this world has to offer and none of the love.

"No, it has to be there. Kaure said it was there."

"It was, but there was a fire, eight months ago. She didn't know. Edward—"

"Where's Bella?"

"She's here."

"Edward?" Her voice barely travelled over the miles between us. "Our baby girl!" she moaned. "Our baby girl, our baby girl—" Over and over; whispering, shouting, sobbing.

_No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no._ It was too much; the agonizing, heaving, sobbing cries, they were too much. _My fault._

"Bella, come home. We'll find another way, another copy. We'll get her through this, just come home."

_What's going on? Where's the book? Shit, Edward, answer me!_

Bella's cries, Jacob's shouting, my guilt. Renesmee: laughing, running in between Esme's pumpkins, picking the largest she can find; sitting on Emmet's shoulders as she reaches to put the star on top of the Christmas tree; sleeping in Carlisle's arms as he reviews on-line medical journals, her copper curls spilling over his shoulder; on her wedding day, the vision Alice had given me, her arm linked in mine. Over and over, round and round, faster and faster.

I yanked my hand through my hair trying to regain my composure. I concentrated on Bella's voice. The sound; it was as if something had hacked at the universe, ripping the stars away, crushing the planets, leaving it void, baying for the meaning of its existence._ My fault._

"Bella, Bella I love you. Come home angel. Just come home. I love you."_ I'm sorry. _I gripped the phone, needing to hear her declare her love for me, that she didn't blame me.

Carlisle's voice answered me, "We have a flight chartered an hour from now. We should be in Manchester by this evening."

How could she not blame me? I was completely to blame. "Just bring her home, bring her home to us."

"Edward, I'm sorry. I failed. I should have found it sooner in my research. I'm sorry."

"The fault isn't yours to own."

"Alright." He knew it was pointless to convince me otherwise. "We'll be home soon. We'll all be together soon."

I folded the phone shut. Together. All of us. For how long?

I studied the lawn, picking out each individual blade of grass, looking for changes in color and texture. I noticed three adjacent blades to my left that were just beginning to turn brown. I listened for the familiar sound of the lawn grubs. Esme loved her lawn.

"Edward!"

I jerked my head up and found Jacob's legs only a foot away from me. I realized I was on my knees. I looked back at the grass, at the three blades turning brown. I needed to go down to Home Depot for insecticide. I'd leave once Bella was home. I couldn't let Esme's lawn turn brown like it had last year.

I got to my feet and turned to go back to the house. "Your suitcase is still in the trunk of your car and you have your keys in your pocket." I began to walk, checking for more evidence of decay as I went.

"Oh no, no you don't, you don't get to just walk away like that." Jacob grabbed my arm and used it to lever himself in front of me."The book, what happened to the book? What happened to Renesmee's cure?"

"It's gone, there is no cure."

"Gone? What about another copy, you talked about another copy."

"Rosalie will keep looking, but that was the only known copy in existence." More brown to my right. "And you need leave. Now." I wasn't about to allow him his silly little fantasy. "Alice needs to see, before Renesmee recovers and blocks her and we find we have to wait till the next time."

"So that's it, we're just giving up? You're giving up on her?" He strengthened his grip as his voice grew louder

"No, we're not giving up. You are leaving."

"I think this may be the first case in history of a vampire losing his hearing. I. Am. Not. Leaving." He was shouting.

Emmett appeared at the door of the house and began to make his way towards us. I heard Jasper approaching from the East, Emmett must have called him. Rosalie tapped insistently at the window of Renesmee's room, barraging me with a string of profanity.

The monster within me claimed his corner of the ring. One sixteenth of a second later, Jacob fell to the earth from a considerable height, shattering Esme's extensive cold-frame and effectively obliterating her crop of summer vegetables for the local women's shelter. One eighth of a second after that I picked him up and threw him through the greenhouse. The glass crunched beneath my feet as I walked towards him, leaning over to grab his collar.

"It's not you, you idiot!" I hissed.

Jacob spat a piece of glass from his mouth. "What's not me?'

"She doesn't choose you! The vision Alice had of Renesmee in the future, whilst you were out of our hair, back in Forks, she wasn't marrying you."

He didn't say anything, he just gaped up at me they way on who was inebriated may I trickle of blood slid from the corner of his mouth. The scent and sight of his humanity served to lift some of the blinding anger I felt. I looked at the ground around us. Shards of glass littered the ground. Not safe for a human, even a shape shifter. I pulled his to his feet, still clutching at his collar. His rapid pulse in his jugular radiated heat onto my knuckles.

I continued. "You're nothing but a selfish, immature imbecile. You profess to want to stay here because of Renesmee, when you now her feelings for you are ambivalent at best. Staying here is to helping her. Alice cannot see her and we don't' have much time before she fully recovers for now and her future is once again obscured." I was desperate for that vision of my little girl, a happy, gossamer clad bride to return. If Alice saw that again it meant there was still hope, another way to save Renesmee.

Jacob seemed to be recovering from the initial shock of my revelation. His face had turned from surprise to fury, reddening with each passing moment. "You're lying! You'd do anything to get me out of her life." I could feel the shudders that had begun to ripple through his body. He gripped my outstretched arm and yanked himself closer to me. We were nose to nose, starting each other down.

"Don't push me, Jacob, I truly would do anything to have you out of her life right now." I flashed my teeth at him, Jacob's scent and the hours of fear and self-recrimination began to mingle into an angry red haze.

_Edward, dude, this is going to get out of hand. _Emmett's hesitant voice broke through my thoughts but I didn't care. I held out my other hand behind me in a warning to stay back.

_Edward, I can feel what you're feeling. He's not worth it. Let me help you._

I shoved into the air with my hand, emphasizing my request for them to leave us alone. I needed to do this. Jacob needed to learn a lesson. He had overstepped the boundaries of our relationship too many times; allowing his position as Alpha within his pack, our gratitude for his loyalty in Forks and his imprint with Renesmee to feed his ego.

He had taken advantage of Bella's good nature. He knew she still felt guilt for everything she thought she had put him through and he played on it; she gave him far more leniency that I liked, especially concerning Renesmee. I had allowed my gratitude for the pack's help in our time of need and my love for Bella to blur the lines Carlisle and Ephraim had so carefully drawn and adhered to. Jacob had become too familiar in his attitudes and I needed to make those boundaries clear again. I was done, and he needed to know it.

Jacob's timing was perfect. The months of us circling each other coalesced and exploded as he snapped his hand to my neck and presented me with an image of the full impact of his out of control hormones. I heard Jasper groan in despair as he encountered Jacob's desire for my little girl , just as the image of Jacob's hand's on Remesmee hit me. Every part of me turned rigid and Jacob's mouth slid into a goading smile.

"Come on, Edward," he whispered.


	7. web

Chapter 7

Web.

"_We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves." Johann Wolfgang von Gough_

A shotgun saved us from an all out Quileute/Cullen war.

The crack of gunpowder igniting and a bullet shooting along the metal passageway before bursting into the morning air brought me to my senses.

For an infinitesimal second there was silence and then a flock of woodpigeons careened into the sky, the frantic beating of wings spreading the scent of spring blossoms across the lawn.

Jacob was limp in my hands, his head lolling to the side, eyes wide with shock, mouth hanging open.

Instinctively I held my breath as I swept my eyes over him, looking for the wound that would surely begin pouring with blood. I thought about the anguished expression that would mar Bella's face when I told her Jacob was gone.

I needed to find the wound, he could bleed out in seconds if I didn't. I barked at my family to hand me something I could use to stem the bleeding, once I found it. I wondered how I could miss a wound from a shotgun. I briefly considered using my nose to aid my search, but then Jacob's chest heaved and he blinked, his eyes focusing somewhere behind me.

"He told him," he said. "Dad told him."

I was confused and opened my mouth to ask 'who' but then the surprised thoughts of my family mingled with the unmistakable sound of the shotgun's chamber re-loading returned my faculties to me. We were under attack.

I threw Jacob behind me and spun around, crouching to the ground in defense, but what, or rather who I saw stopped me in my tracks.

My wife's human eyes, murderous and angry and at the end of a shotgun pointed directly between mine, stared me down: Intense. Un-wavering. Accusing. I felt like a child caught in the act of stealing candy and if I could blush I think I would have.

Esme's hand came to rest on my shoulder. "I…" she began and then faltered as our guest dropped the gun to their side and held out a hand in request for silence.

The eyes left mine for a moment and looked out over toward the house before coming resolutely back to glare from beneath knitted brows. Tightly drawn lips grew tighter, and paler, and then finally the silence was broken.

"You vampires are dumber than Billy gives you credit for," Charlie said. "Now. Where is my granddaughter?"

He was answered by Renesmee's tapping against her bedroom window.

Charlie looked up and his face broke into a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. He started toward the house, disarming the shotgun and placing the shells into his pocket as he went.

I followed, my family and Jacob mutely trailing behind me.

Charlie climbed the porch steps two at a time, his police issue boots springing against the painted wood. He placed his hand over the door handle and paused, turning his head to see us. "I want to see Bella as soon as she and Carlisle arrive – home." He swallowed thickly as he said the word and thoughts of betrayal overwhelmed his mind, his eyes revealing that he knew everything. Esme stepped forward, her thoughts anguished and ashamed. Charlie shifted his gaze to her and he bobbed his head once in her direction.

"I had to do it." Jacob said from behind me. "It was for Bella's safety. Everyone's." He shuffled as Charlie's face reddened.

"You get your sorry ass back to your father, Jacob Black and you can make sure I don't set eyes on your backstabbing muzzle again."

The handle turned and the old heavy oak creaked as it was pushed open. Charlie disappeared through it, calling to Renesmee.

The old windowpanes shuddered as the door slammed against the jamb.

***

It had been an hour since Charlie had entered the house.

My family was convened in the barn, Esme holding Alice's head in her lap. Rosalie had reluctantly joined them and she and Emmett were huddled over the computer, researching.

Both Jacob and I had wanted to stay at the house, but since Charlie obviously knew who we actually were and what we were capable of Esme had insisted we all move to the barn to give him some privacy. Still, I kept listening for her heartbeat, which was growing stronger by the minute, while trying to not pry into their conversation.

"Have you told Bella?"

I hadn't heard Jasper approach.

"No, not yet."

My brother walked the short distance between the edge of the forest and the clearing in which I stood.

"You should call her. She should know ahead of time."

"And tell her what?" I spun around, irritated at his stupidity. As if Bella didn't have enough to deal with already. Surely I could somehow protect her from at least this. Persuade Charlie to stay away until she was home, and had seen Renesmee, until I'd convinced her that everything would be okay, that Alice only saw one possible outcome; Renesmee would live. I'd be lying, but at this point, what was another lie? "What exactly shall I tell her Jasper? 'Bella, darling, I just needed to tell you that not only is your daughter dying and it's because of your husband's rotten seed but also your father's found out that we faked our death and we've been living in New Hampshire for the last 5 years while he's been grieving for us? Oh, and would you pick up a lion on your way home, I'm feeling rather peckish'?"

Jasper smiled, actually smiled and then shook his head before giving me a look of sadness. "Self pity has never looked good on you, Edward. Maybe one day you'll learn that." He left me to wear a rut into the ground as I paced, trying to think my way out of the situation; thinking about possibilities of more copies of the text that would save Renesmee's life and where they could be hidden; thinking how I could repair the damage to our relationship; how I would handle the fallout from the damage left between Bella and Charlie, being away from him this last 5 years, knowing he lie was hurting him had hurt her more than she'd been willing to admit to.

This was an utter, unbelievable mess. My thoughts turned to how I could have done things differently, I second guessed every move I had made since the day we'd made the decision to have our plane crash into the pacific, myself, my daughter and my wife on board, and disappear into the ocean without a trace. I'd told myself it was for the good of us all. I'd told Bella it would save Charlie's life. I didn't tell her about the letter I had received only a week earlier from Caius, warning me of the edge my family walked between our world and the human world. He'd made me an offer, invited me to join the ranks of the Volturi guard in exchange for protection and a promise that Charlie could remain human if he found out about our kind. I'd declined.

I should have joined.

I hadn't seen or heard from any member of the Volturi since, but I doubted they believed our deception. For the last 5 years I'd spent my time pretending to be happy, peaceful, while all the time I'd been looking over my shoulder, waiting for the Volturi to attack, lying to Bella, lying to Renesmee.

I leaned against a huge white pine, exhausted and then the smell of wet dog emanated upwind of me.

"You've really fucked up this time, haven't you?" Jacob appeared from the thickest part of the forest.

I was done. I had no fight left in me. "Jacob, didn't Charlie tell you to never show your face to him again? You'd better be leaving."

"Did you remember to tell Charlie that Renesmee doesn't know about the staged accident?"

I froze. How could I have missed that?

I was terrified.

We hadn't told Renesmee what we had done nearly 5 years ago. It was hard to refrain from eavesdropping – I wanted to know if Charlie planned to tell her, if Charlie even knew that she didn't know. She'd be crushed, feel as betrayed as Charlie did over our deception.

I'd lose her.

I'd lose her and then she'd be gone and I'd never get her back.

It took me seconds to cover the distance between the barn and the house, Emmett in hot pursuit, but he didn't stand a chance. I was through the door and halfway up the stairs by the time he hit the Western edge of the lawn, shouting at me to stop, trying to communicate Alice's predetermination of what would turn out to be my terrible timing – timing that I would later find out to be mere seconds too early; Charlie, given the time to realize his error, would have convinced her that he'd made a mistake. As it was I burst through her bedroom door just as she made the connection between what Charlie said and what it meant to her and her place in our family.

Her face crumpled the second she saw me.

"Daddy?" she said, her shoulders making a small shrugging motion.

Charlie looked questioningly to me, and then he realized the magnitude of the situation.

I rushed over to her bedside but she flinched away, indignant. "Renesmee, it was to protect us all. I just - I'm sorry."

She spoke in such a small voice, so disbelieving, vulnerable. "You lied to me?"

Her mind raced with alternate possibilities; I could hear her. She was fully recovered, for now, but that was small comfort to me as I understood that my daughter no longer trusted me, that she was devastated.

"Renesmee, please, listen to me." I crouched down to her level, trying to close the gap between us. She wedged herself into the corner of the wall and the headboard which had the effect of making her look even more vulnerable.

"I'm sorry, Renesmee, truly I am. Please." I scrambled for the right words, for anything to get her to understand.

"Pop-pop lied to me? All of you? _Jacob_ lied to me?

I nodded, unable to defend my position any longer.

"Grandpa Charlie thought you, me and mom were dead?" She sat up now, her manner insistent.

I closed my eyes in confirmation. "Yes," I whispered.

Her bottom lip quivered and tears began to pool in her eyes as she looked for some sort of confirmation that our deception wasn't true, that I this was some sort of joke that she didn't understand. I reached out to offer her comfort but her jaw tightened and her mouth twisted into a grimace before her beautiful, innocent face fell into emptiness.

***

I'd never seen Renesmee so detached. She'd quietly asked us to leave, me and Charlie, to please get out of her room. When we'd protested she'd repeated her request, her voice rough with the effort of her shouting. She'd yanked out her chest tube and IV, stating she obviously didn't need them anymore, her lungs were obviously working. I'd tried to stay and close up her wounds to prevent infection, but it was only with great persuasion that she finally relented to me giving Charlie instructions on exactly what to do. She wouldn't even look at me, touching her was out of the question.

I found the rest of my family sitting quietly around our dining table on the porch. The heads bent together in conversation, their words so low a dog wouldn't hear them.

Jacob was no-where to be seen, or scented out.

I sat down next to Emmett. "She's fully recovered. She can't hear you and I can hear her thoughts again. Can you still see her, Alice?"

She shook her head, which she no longer clasped in her hands in pain. "She disappeared shortly after you entered the room. But for a few moments I saw her so clearly, it was odd. I saw all of us so clearly." She furrowed her brow, looking for the reason behind her shifting abilities.

"Jacob," Rosalie said. "Where is he?"

I listened for his thoughts. They were vague, broken snippets about time and trust, the phrase 'come around' and 'she'll forgive me' filtered through. The return of Alice's ability to see us became clear.

"He's gone," I said.

The coward, but I was relieved, for now, he'd obviously be back, but he was too late, Alice could no longer see Renesmee.

"Can you see how long we have until Renesmee's next attack?" Rosalie leaned forward on her elbows.

"What's going to happen with Charlie and Bella?" Emmett said.

"Oh, this is awful." Esme rested her head in her hands, trying to think a way she could smooth all of this out. She was already making plans on ways she could make Renesmee's last months as happy and memorable as possible, if it came down to it.

I couldn't stand it. "Esme, please don't think of – those things."

Esme looked up apologetically. "I'm going to make more lemonade. Maybe I'll go into town to buy her favourite chocolate." I watched as she walked into the house, grabbed her purse and keys and then leave towards the garage. She stopped mid-way and looked back at me, a smile fixed on her face, but she didn't fool me. I saw her hand cover her mouth as she stepped into her vehicle and drive away.

She felt useless. Her heart ached for me. She sished this evening would come quickly so she could be alone with Carlisle for a while. She worried about Charlie and Bella's first conversation, but mainly, she was already grieving for the loss of her granddaughter.

* * *

AN Many thanks go out to oHHALEno4, Infernal Heart, Lady Jane and Grown ass woman for their reading and encouragement.

Music - Sweet Little Lies - Fleetwood Mac


	8. Blame is

**AN** Shout out to oHALEno4. You know why.

grownasswoman, infernalheart, ladyjane and others. 3

This is a short one.

Want to discuss the chapter? Rage at me? Throw rotten tomatoes? Tell me this story just makes you feel indifferent? .?f=60&t=3098 Anything goes, really. Try me.

* * *

Chapter 7 – Blame is…

2pm.

Charlie had been with Renesmee for an hour.

Bella and Carlisle were due to land at 7. They'd boarded at 12. I hadn't spoken to Bella since this morning, but Carlisle had called just before takeoff to tell me they were set to arrive on time. I'd thanked him. That was it. I hadn't told him the situation awaiting them; I feared Bella would overhear and I hadn't come up with a plan on how to tell her.

I didn't know what I was going to say, how I was going to protect her.

Alice and Jasper left shortly after Esme. They'd decided to follow her into town. Alice was worried. She'd seen Esme in distress, staring blankly at canned goods in the supermarket and had wanted to go to her.

Rosalie, Emmett and I were still sat at the table. No one had spoken for 30 minutes. It was silent except for the occasional bird – and Renesmee's ragged breathing as she cried on Charlie's sodden shirt.

Finally she asked to be alone and Charlie came down the stairs.

He stopped at the open door, staring out over the garden.

No one moved. We already knew she didn't want to see any of us, we'd heard.

My daughter hated me. She hated Bella. She had no intentions of forgiving us.

She had no idea she might die.

As vampires we walk the earth experiencing life in what a human would probably call 4D. Everything hums with a vibrancy that is outside the capability of human senses. Of course, we're used to it - the wonder that comes with the first few months in this life is muted beneath the shroud of immortality – but we're still aware of it, there's a connection we feel to our environment. This was the first time since my transformation that it was gone – the connection. I've experienced the anesthetic properties of shock from a distance - in the minds of those suffering a traumatic event -now I fully understood it.

I ran my fingers over the intricate embossing on the tabletop. I should have been able to close my eyes and picture the complex pattern in my mind. Instead it was merely a jumble of pits and bumps. I listened for the life of the forest, of small creatures moving about in equally small nooks. I could hear them, but it was all just noise, instead of a harmony of individual sounds making up the orchestra of the forest life.

Nothing was real.

'We need to have a conversation." Charlie said from the doorway.

Emmett's thoughts were hesitant. "Do you want us to leave?"

"Yes." Charlie said.

Emmett stood and extended his hand out to Rosalie. "We'll head back to the barn. Do some more research."

_There's nothing left to research, _Rosalie thought.

I looked at her sharply. "Please, don't."

"Fine." She placed her hand in Emmett's and stood. "You go back to the barn, continue where we left off, but I'm staying here. I'll see you in a little while."

Emmett reached over and brushed a strand of hair from her cheek. Then he kissed her on the nose, squeezed her hand and left for the barn, worried for his wife, worried for everyone.

Rosalie started for the house, intent on going upstairs to Renesmee.

"She won't let you in, Rosalie."

"Then I'll sit outside her door. She needs to eat at some point."

Charlie stepped aside, nodding his head in a in a gentlemanly gesture as she walked through into the house. She kept her head down as she passed him.

Charlie and I were now alone on the porch.

I honestly didn't know what I was going to say to him. What could I say? I'm sorry you missed the majority for the first six years of your Granddaughter's life, but you see, the thing is, there is this inconceivably powerful family of vampires who would want us and you dead if we'd stuck around. They sent me threats and the rest of my family don't know about it, thinking that we're pretty much safe. That Caius had written me a letter alluding to our end and suggesting I join the Volturi in exchange for their protection. That I'd refused, not wanting to leave my wife or my daughter and had persuaded all of us to move and lie.

I should have joined.

"Can Renesmee hear us if we talk here?" Charlie asked.

"Maybe, I'm not sure." I really wasn't. How much of her had returned back to normal? Right now I had no idea and relying on my listening into her thoughts was not something I was prepared to do. For all I knew she could be concealing exactly how much, if any, of her temporary heightened senses had remained.

"Where is Bella?"

"She's on a flight from South America. She'll return at five."

"Then I guess I'll have to have this conversation twice."

***

3.30pm.

Charlie had decided to have our 'conversation' in his car - he figured driving would keep him from hitting me and breaking his hand.

We drove toward Amhurst, Charlie stone faced and gripping the wheel.

We'd been driving for fifteen minutes with nothing but the sound of the engine and Charlie's thoughts, which vacillated between his conversation with Billie and finding out the truth, exactly how much of a dressing down he was going to give Bella when he saw her, and trying to avoid thinking about the medical paraphernalia sticking into Renesmee's arms and chest when he'd walked into her room.

"How bad is it?" he said, glancing at me before setting his eyes back on the road again.

"She's going to be fine."

"She doesn't look fine."

"We just need a little more time to figure out the exact nature of her illness so we can treat it"

"What's in South America?"

I began to tell him that there was Dr. who lived in Brazil who specialized in a certain group of autoimmune diseases, one of which we suspected Renesmee had. The lies came out easily enough - years of creating stories and sticking to them is a hard habit to break.

He stamped on the brake pedal and swung the wheel right. The car veered hard onto the shoulder and shuddered to a stop, dust and gravel spitting up from under the wheels. He hunched over onto the wheel and squeezed his eyes shut.

"This is how I see it." He measured out the words. Internally he wondered if Billy was right - that a shotgun would have about as much effect on me as a feather landing on tempered glass. "I've been living the past five years believing my family was dead. It turns out that my little girl fell for a vampire, persuaded him to bite her, got herself pregnant by him, faked her own death and is now on some sort of quest to find a cure for my granddaughter who is obviously not suffering from a human disease. I know you can read my thoughts, so you know exactly what Billy told me, yet you're still lying to me.

"You could snap my neck in the time it would take me to reach for my gun but I'd wager you'd like to keep Bella as your wife. If you do not start telling me the truth I will do everything that I can to cause you as much misery as possible."

I believed him.

"Okay," I said. "But this puts all of us in even more danger."

"I don't think things could get much worse."

He obviously didn't know about the Volturi.

***

4.45pm.

Charlie was back upstairs with Renesmee. He'd taken food into her. She was fine to get up and walk about, free herself from her bedroom - she wanted to, I could hear her thinking it - but she refused.

I'd talked to her through her bedroom door. Apologized. She'd petulantly ignored me. I'd thought about just entering room, but Rosalie had persuaded me otherwise, saying I'd simply make the situation worse and that I'd done enough already.

She just needed time.

We didn't have time.

Rosalie was still sat outside her door, refusing to move. She was hungry. She hadn't eaten in nearly a week. If she'd have been human she'd probably have been spending most of her time stepping on and off a set of scales and trying on a pair of 'skinny' jeans.

Esme was trying to busy herself in the kitchen. She'd bought ingredients for a pot roast and was preparing it while she waited for the lemonade she'd just made to cool in the fridge. She had every intention of making Charlie as comfortable as possible, even though she knew she could never compensate him for what he'd lost.

Emmett was keeping away.

Alice, feeling much better, had gone hunting to see if she could track Jacob. I couldn't fathom why she wanted to. The dog was gone - Alice had a clear picture of our family, or rather pictures. The future was still undecided though. She could still see a vision of a wedding, but she could also see Bella and I spending our years grieving.

I pushed her visions away.

4.50pm.

I checked the plane's ETA.

On time.

Bella would be home in less than half-an-hour.

She couldn't handle this.

I was about to go and try to talk to Charlie again, persuade him to leave for a while, let Bella get home, spend time with Renesmee, give us a day or two to find a copy of the book containing the cure and then I'd bring Bella to him.

Jasper came and sat down opposite me at the dining room table.

"Just be there for her, that's all you can do." he said.

"It's not enough. I need to do more."

"It's enough."


	9. a social contract

Of course, I didn't need to tell Bella anything. Charlie's scent was perceptible to her from the road. She ran the last mile up our driveway, bursting through the front door, her eyes wild, and black too I noted; she'd not eaten since Renesmee had fallen ill.

She stopped for just a moment and a look of bewilderment and then despair crossed her face. I didn't even have a chance to get over to her before she darted up the stairs to Renesmee's room. I didn't miss the moment that had passed between us though and I sat back at the dining room table, lost at what to do next.

Carlisle joined us after briefly placing a kiss on Esme's cheek.

"We need a new plan," he said.

I could barely think – Renesmee was spewing vitriol at her mother, Charlie alternately telling her to watch her mouth and letting Bella know his displeasure.

"There's no point in going up there right now, Edward. Nothing you do will help." Jasper had picked up on my indecision.

"And we need to find another way. What did the test results say?" I'd never seen Carlisle so emotionless.

"Nothing useful," I said "Though the phlebotomist was very interested in the results."

"Yes, he would be."

"We really didn't need to risk the exposure."

"He won't say anything, and I had no choice. I couldn't stay to perform the tests myself."

"Those results could raise some questions."

"I'll go to the hospital tomorrow and remove the evidence. And I'll be here for any more tests, there's no point in going back to South America."

"Why?"

"Because there's nothing useful for us down there. Kaure told us all she knew; the rare copies library was destroyed, Kebi and her sisters knew nothing and had no idea where Nahuel, his sisters or his father were, or have been for the past 6 months."

"They've have no contact for 6 months?"

"It's not the first time they've disappeared for a substantial amount of time."

"So what now?" I asked.

"Rosalie turned up nothing in her research?"

"Nothing."

"Alice, where is she?"

"She went after Jacob, he left this morning, after Charlie turned up and Renesmee found out – "

" – about your lie." Carlile's lack of eye contact didn't escape me. "Yes, well it would have emerged at some point. How did Charlie know?"

"Billy."

"Right. Well, I cannot hold him completely responsible, I may well have done the same thing if a good friend of mine were about to unknowingly lose a family member he thought he'd already lost."

We all took or respective corners over the next two days; I found myself relegated to the diagonally opposite of Bella's. Wherever I was she wasn't, and I could't find the courage to invade the space around her.

By day three we were no further forward.

I took to the library, scouring every word shelved within its walls, following behind Rosalie's trail – she'd been through evey tome I'd picked up so far.

I didn't notice Rosalie's presence until she said, "There isn't another copy, Edward."

Was she giving up? Well, I wasn't. "Then you need to find one. There has to be another out there somewhere." I doubled back and began to randomly pull books from the shelves, flipping through the indexes: South American legends. Biblical references; there had to be something here.

"Edward, we've been through the library three times. I've have scoured every reference and cross reference there is. There's nothing."

Alchemy.

Britain through the Middle-Ages.

Grimm's Fairytales.

"Edward, stop."

"No, it has to be here." I moved a stack over, but it was empty. On to the next. Empty. The next. Empty. I'd come full circle and had pulled every book from the shelves. A musty, yellowed leaf lilted through the air and past my face, coming to rest on a tangle of bindings.

I'd missed something.

Check again.

I snatched a volume from the wreckage, turning the binding to see the title – Mysteries of the Amazon. "The Immortals" was listed in the index.

There.

Rosalie slapped her hand down onto the pages and shoved her face into mine.

"You. Are. Wasting . Time." She pulled the book away and tossed it onto the desk.

"You could have missed something."

"I didn't the first, second or the third time."

"You must be mistaken."

"Why? Because you're always right?" She stood between me and the desk, arms folded. "Because you were right about falling for a human weren't you? You were right about marrying her weren't you? Look where it's gotten you!"

I didn't have time for her games. "Get out of my way." I lunged at her, aiming for her shoulders.

Emmett tackled me from behind, locking my arms behind my back.

Rosalie leaned against the desk, crossing one well-heeled foot over the other. She inspected her nails for a moment.

The afternoon sun broke through the clouds and illuminated the room. She stood right in a shaft of liquid gold, dust moats swirling around her head; it lit up her hair, which was in perfect shape. Not a curl out of place. Her make-up was carefully applied. Her attire well chosen. She looked like she did every day. Perfect. Our family was falling apart. My daughter - her niece for God's sake - was dying and she had taken the time this morning, just as every morning, to preen and primp and worship her form in the mirror.

_The selfish, self-centered_… Incensed, I snarled and Emmett tugged at my arms, his thoughts already on how he was going to bring me down if I got near her.

She continued to inspect her nails for chipped polish. _Never, ever learns,_ she thought.

I tried to break free from Emmett's grip but he had too strong of a hold on me. I wanted to wrap my hand around her decorated neck and tear her head clean off.

Finally she looked over to me.

"Let's talk about what this is really about - about the fact that you've kept your daughter holed up like felon for the past six years. She's had no life and unless we can find another way, her life is about to end."

"Rosalie," Emmett said, the tone in his voice a warning.

Her eyes snapped to Emmett, finger jabbing the air."No, this needs to be said." She looked back at me. "If you can't admit it to anyone else at least admit it to yourself; your need to control everything, to try to second guess every outcome, has caused you to lose sight of what is really important. And now you're out of time."

Outside the gravel crunched underneath the tires of Carlisle's Mercedes as it pulled into the garage.

She'd stepped away from the desk and now stood less than a foot from me, eyes challenging me for a rebuttal.

The kitchen door opened. Carlisle and Esme entered the house. Their thoughts told me they'd heard our conversation from the entrance to the driveway.

"You're angry at everyone else when you should be angry at yourself."

Carlisle and Esme entered through the kitchen door and then appeared at the study door.

"Rosalie, that's enough." Carlisle said.

Esme stepped into the room, reaching out to Rosalie, her eyes looking between the two of us, taking in the fact that Emmett was physically holding me back from attacking.

She took hold of Rosalie's elbow, which jutted out beneath crossed arms. Esme tugged gently, coaxing her from the room.

Rosalie glared at me. "She's my family too. I love her too."

Me, me, me. I ,I, I. Always about her.

"Narcissist," I said.

They were out the door now. Rosalie uncrossed her arms and gestured to Esme to let her go. Esme hesitated and Rosalie murmured a reassurance to my mother, who was utterly dismayed with both of us.

"If you love her so much why didn't you say anything until now? Why did you stand by and watch her be a 'prisoner'?"

She looked at me with pity. "Because you wouldn't have listened." The slow tap of her heels bounced around the narrow corridor as she left.

Day four and I was out of my mind - and apparently I was also out of Bella's and Renesmee's - I'd barely seen either of them.

The search was over, that was my family's consensus anyway - there was nothing to be done except wait and hope and as Esme had put it, "Take each day as a blessing." I hadn't spoken with her since either.

Charlie had wanted to take Renesmee out for the afternoon. The decision had been left to me but really what decision was there to make? Nothing would make a difference.

It was my understanding they'd gone to the coastline.

Bella went with them.

The rest of my family were elsewhere. They'd given up trying to convert me to their way of thinking - and I wanted no part of their company.

I spent another day tearing again through the library, combing through online articles that had already been visited many times by Rosalie and Emmett.

They returned in the evening.

I'd retired to mine and Bella's room shortly afterand it was here I waited, listening to Charlie and Bella say good night to the family, to Renesmee. The weather had turned outside, the winds turning to a North Westerly direction, and carrying the scent of a herd of deer to the South East of us – I was vaguely aware of my being hungry.

She entered our room with a caution I'd only once experienced – that of the time after I'd torn Victoria apart for threatening the one life that had ever meant anything to me. She was cautious around me – circumstances can change so quickly.

She'd been in the room for several moments before she spoke.

"Snap out of it Edward."

I brought my eyes to hers, afraid what I would see there, the pain that the creature I hid must have put there. When they finally met her eye level I was surprised what I saw. There was anger, yes, and fear, but mostly there was determination. It was blinding. I could barely look at this woman standing before me, she was fierce and formidable; she was Boadicea looking over the enemy and not flinching for one second. And here I was, wedged into the corner of our room, sinking into my obloquy, afraid to even move. My arms fell away from my body and hung limply, my knuckles scraping against the white pine as they hit bottom.

"I'm sorry." _For killing our daughter, causing you pain, almost killing another human being, for being so weak._

For a split second something flashed across her eyes that I couldn't understand, but before I could ruminate on it it was gone and she was kneeling next to me. Her hands found my face and she was kissing me with a desperation beyond anything she'd ever expressed. All the times we had been in danger, moments when we thought we may never see each other again, the times I'd pushed her away to try to keep her safe, she'd never kissed me like this. It was if she was searching for something, trying to pull out a piece of me she had yet to discover. It was almost too much and a part of me recoiled from her attack. She stopped for a moment and glared at me.

"Don't you dare!"

I grimaced and lowered my head to the side. How could I look at her? I didn't deserve the sight of her.

She yanked my head back to her. "Edward Cullen, don't you dare," she growled before once again pressing her urgent mouth to mine. She moved to the corner of my mouth, scattering tiny pecks along my bottom lip to the other corner, continuing up my cheek to the corner of my eye, running up over my forehead and over to my other cheek, her breath puffing out behind each caress until she returned to my mouth. She paused there, her lips resting against mine. I could taste her through my parted lips. I longed to pull her into me, to revel in the scent of her.

"I need this, I need to feel us, we need this," she whispered. Her breath swept over my tongue, curling around my mouth like a sweet melody. "Come with me, make love to me." Her hands snaked into my hair and dug into my scalp and she pulled me to her.

I wanted to escape into her, to allow her to rescue me. I needed to feel her love. I wanted to cry in her arms, to find the release for the anguish, to bury myself so deep from myself that I'd never be found again, the creature would never find me again. I wanted to sleep, to dream, to rest. I wanted anesthesia, alcohol, heroine; all the things that humans did to escape, I now understood. I envied them.

My hands found Bella's hips and I gripped at them roughly as I stood and pulled her with me. She wrapped her legs around my waist and forced her tongue into my mouth. I stumbled forwards, senseless, towards our bed.

She stole the world away; the light, the sound, the scent, all of it had snapped backwards into the waters of Lethe. I didn't feel the bed as it sank beneath us, nor hear the scraps of our clothes as they hit the floor. I didn't see our hands tangle above our heads. I felt Bella. She was in me, over me, under me, behind me, in front of me. She whispered in my ear, breathed on my skin, bit on my mouth, slid around me. She burned me, branded herself to me. She plunged and twirled and writhed, tugging on me, taking me with her until I was there, on that precipice of oblivion I longed for. She called to me, like a siren to a ship, and I dashed myself onto the rocks. I wanted the flotsam to drift away on her tide until I was forgotten, resting at the bottom of the ocean, watching the waves crash overhead, but she drove down and pulled me back, cupping her hands around my face, her breath ragged and hiccupping as she commanded me to look at her.

"Stay with me, be my reason, please, stay with me." The flicker of something unknown appeared again in her eyes before she buried her head in my neck.

I didn't ask her why she needed a reason; I just prayed that I was it.

Existing depended on it.


	10. To my readers

**To my readers**

**I am so sorry, I did not intend to tease you with an update today. I know most of you probably feel that I faked you out – not the case, I was adding details to chapter 1 and editing a couple of things that have been bothering my for a while – and when I uploaded I made the mistake of adding it as a new chapter instead of swapping them out. I knew what I'd done as soon as I'd hit the send button.**

**As a way to appease you all here is an excerpt from chapter 10**

* * *

"It's okay for you, you have choices. I'll die and you get to go on, you get a chance to start again."

"Choices?" Jacob knitted his brows, his eyes narrowed and staring. "Are you serious?"

"No, I'm joking around – of course I'm serious. You owe me this."

He took a step closer to me, his jaw tightening. "Let me tell you about my choices; I have none, I never have. I was born on a reservation where the only choices are drinking, gambling and scratching a life out in some sort of trade or manual labor, where loyalty and tradition out rank education. My mother was taken from me before I was 12 years old. My father couldn't keep his insulin and beer drinking under control and ended up in a wheel chair before I was 15. My sisters abandoned us, leaving me to look after dad, the house, the money, pretty much everything. Any chance of getting out of that hole was gone. Then I find out I have a mutant gene that forces me to shift into wolf form so I can protect the tribe from vampires, my best friend decides to fall in love with one of them. You're born and bam, suddenly I have no choice but to follow you around like the idiot that I obviously am and do your bidding. I take the fall for you, I fight for you, I live with vampires for you, I fight with my pack members for you and for what? For you to demand more from me. To tell me I owe you? I owe you nothing.

"And when you die, I'll go on caring for you, I'll have no choice in the matter. You'll never leave me alone, you'll always be there, but you'll be gone. You'll move on. You'll be free. I won't. I can't. Ever. Imprinting won't allow me to. So, who owes who, Renesmee? Because from where I'm standing you've taken my life from me. That's all you do, you just keep on taking."

His face contorted and he looked away, down to the stream. His chest heaved once, twice. "I hate loving you."

He'd never said that before.

He loved me.

"You hurt – I hurt. You laugh – I laugh. You die- I die. I'm just a puppet." He jabbed at his chest with his forefinger.

I'd never seen him in such a state of confusion, stood in the clearing, the sun hitting his face at an angle, throwing half of it into deep shadow and lighting the other into a blaze of golden brown. He looked so lost and I remembered the time I'd wandered away from Emmett on one of our hunts. I'd have only been 5 or 6 in human years, but I knew the forest like I knew the stars, or so I'd thought. Emmett found me within a minute, but in that minute I'd been lost land afraid and thought I'd never be found.

Right now, Jacob looked how I'd felt – alone, terrified.

What he didn't realize what that I was his reflection too. Though I hated to admit it it was true. He hurt – I hurt. He laughed- I laughed. Were he to die I knew I would too.

The thought brought tears to my eyes, Jacob, dying, leaving me – alone.

"I'm sorry."

He shrugged, letting out a dry laugh


End file.
